Things Kids Say...In Honor of the Last Day of School!

Remember the whole "Kids Say The Darndest Things" show? It was funny, right? But admit it...you know some of it was staged. The original Alan Funt one was funnier than the newer Bill Cosby one. The newer one was kind of just another Bill Cosby vehicle once the pudding commercial residuals dried up (or skinned over, so to speak.)

But I teach elementary school...this is the end of my 19th year in the classroom. I have known hundreds and hundreds of children. Some of them were pretty obnoxious, some were oblivious, some were dumb and some were just unintentionally funny. Every teacher says they could write a book. And frankly, most of us could. (How horrified would you be to see yourself in the chapter on "God-Awful Parents"? tee hee) But off the top of my head, here are some of the best things kids have said in my classroom (and in Tom's classroom...he gets credit for the best one, IMHO):

1. I had a boy in my class who was having a rough day. I was calm, I was rational. I was talking with him down on the floor, making perfect sense. He was listening and quiet. I finished my little "other people are allowed to have differing opinions and it doesn't make them morons" speech and he looked at me and said, "You really should do something about your facial hair." Alrighty then...move up my lip wax appointment at Red Door!

2. Discussing tv shows with some girls at recess and I shared that I love General Hospital and one little girl told me that her mom likes soap operas too. Her mom watched "The Bald and The Restless" apparently.

3. I was explaining to a child that he HAD to go to the resource room for his reading assistance. He did not agree. It was a constant struggle with him. He told me he didn't need his IEP anymore. I told him that the adults who care about him would decide that later in the year but for now it was a legally binding agreement (he was one of those kids you could talk to like that, I swear.) He looked at me without skipping a beat and said, "Then when I graduate college and become a lawyer I am coming back here and suing you for everything you got!" Actually, he just might...but his parents did like me so I've got that going for me.

4. This is one example of how you can't trust your kids to keep secrets, remember that. The child hands me a note first thing in the morning and before I even read it she volunteered, "It says I have a doctor's appointment but really we have Sox tickets."

5. This one is from my husband Tom's 4th grade classroom...They were getting ready for standardized testing and discussing how it is important to try but not worry about it and stress out. Hand goes up from a little girl and she asks, "If we don't do well can we still make cheerleading in junior high?" Sweetie, if you have to ask that, you automatically get to be captain...I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

6. Also in the category of "things your kids tell their teachers" was this. One of my students was telling me about the driving trip the family was taking over spring break and then she confides this to me: "I hate driving trips. My parents fight the whole time. My dad doesn't know how to plan a long drive and my mom has a bladder the size of a kernel of corn."

7. One of my students was discussing certain ethnic celebrations from his family's background. They involved food, dancing and as he described, "Lots of my mom's relatives." Another one of my students said, "Oh, in our religion we call that a bar mitzvah." I about peed myself on that one.

8. And this is the BEST. ONE. EVER. It happened in Tom's classroom many years ago...Something came up about religions and a few kids were discussing how everyone was either Christian or Jewish. Tom took it as a teachable moment to explain there are more major religions that those 2...Buddhism, Hindu, Muslim. One boys raised his hand and asked, "What about rednecks?" Swear to God/Allah, Buddha/Jehovah it is true.

And with that, I rest my case. My job rocks...who else get to hear stuff like that everyday???