1. "No offense but..."-Really? Because if you didn't want to offend me you just wouldn't say it. As my son once told a friend, "Just because you say 'no offense' doesn't mean you can be a jerk."
2. "Maybe you didn't understand me"-People say this when they are annoyed you don't agree with them. No jerkwad, I understood you, it is just that you are WRONG!!!
3. "Excuse me, are you in line?"-No, I'm just standing behind all these people to fake you out. Yes, I'm in line and you better back off because I was here first.
4. "I didn't hear the phone ring."-Liar.
5. "Can I see you in my office for a minute?"-It NEVER takes a minute and it is NEVER good. It is better to just be honest and say something like, "Come in my office so I can screw up your whole 'good karma' day."
6. "You look different. What did you do?"-Hmmm, I don't know. Depends on if you mean that as a compliment or not. Different as in "I used to look like crap and now I don't" or different as in "I look older and more worn out but you don't wanna say it"?
7. "Have you talked to Mom/your sister today?"-Don't answer, it's a trick question!!
8. "Does this smell spoiled to you?"-WTF? You think something smells disgusting and you want me to confirm? Trust yourself and leave me out of it.
9. "I hate to ask this but..."-Then don't. Seriously, I'm a busy person and unless I have given birth to you, I'd rather not go out of my way to do anything for you. Deal with it yourself.
10. "Do you have any plans for tonight/tomorrow/next Tuesday?"-Well, I don't know. If you are going to invite me to do something stupid then yes, I have plans. If the invitation is for something good, then I might be available. The only possible answer to that question is, "Why?"
11. "Mom! I need you down here!"-Again, NOTHING good ever comes of this. There is usually, blood, glue, Coca-Cola or something else spillable to contend with when I arrive.
12. "Oh, yes, we've met before."-And I stand there wondering who the hell this person is. I hate that.
I'm sure there are more, but you get the idea...