I Hate It When People Say....

1. "No offense but..."-Really? Because if you didn't want to offend me you just wouldn't say it. As my son once told a friend, "Just because you say 'no offense' doesn't mean you can be a jerk."

2. "Maybe you didn't understand me"-People say this when they are annoyed you don't agree with them. No jerkwad, I understood you, it is just that you are WRONG!!!

3. "Excuse me, are you in line?"-No, I'm just standing behind all these people to fake you out. Yes, I'm in line and you better back off because I was here first.

4. "I didn't hear the phone ring."-Liar.

5. "Can I see you in my office for a minute?"-It NEVER takes a minute and it is NEVER good. It is better to just be honest and say something like, "Come in my office so I can screw up your whole 'good karma' day."

6. "You look different. What did you do?"-Hmmm, I don't know. Depends on if you mean that as a compliment or not. Different as in "I used to look like crap and now I don't" or different as in "I look older and more worn out but you don't wanna say it"?

7. "Have you talked to Mom/your sister today?"-Don't answer, it's a trick question!!

8. "Does this smell spoiled to you?"-WTF? You think something smells disgusting and you want me to confirm? Trust yourself and leave me out of it.

9. "I hate to ask this but..."-Then don't. Seriously, I'm a busy person and unless I have given birth to you, I'd rather not go out of my way to do anything for you. Deal with it yourself.

10. "Do you have any plans for tonight/tomorrow/next Tuesday?"-Well, I don't know. If you are going to invite me to do something stupid then yes, I have plans. If the invitation is for something good, then I might be available. The only possible answer to that question is, "Why?"

11. "Mom! I need you down here!"-Again, NOTHING good ever comes of this. There is usually, blood, glue, Coca-Cola or something else spillable to contend with when I arrive.

12. "Oh, yes, we've met before."-And I stand there wondering who the hell this person is. I hate that.

I'm sure there are more, but you get the idea...

Things I Would Still Like To Do...

1. Dance on a bar, look good doing it, and have strangers throw money at me. (Ok, well, it would need to be a CLEAN bar...and all the strangers need to have all their teeth.)

2. Tell off a cashier who is being bitchy and acting like *I* am wasting her time when *I* am the one spending money.

3. Say no at work.

4. Meet Sig Hansen.

5. Stop checking up on my kids when they say that things are in their backpacks ready for school...I know, I'm an enabling Mommy and a teacher who does not practice what she preaches. Sue me, I'm human.

6. Leave the house without making the fricking beds...I used to ALL THE TIME in my younger days. Why can't I anymore?

7. Stop giving money to Channel 11 out of guilt. I have paid my dues....Bozo is dead, the boys are long done with Barney and the Teletubbies and everything else on there is British and boring and angst-ridden.

8. Learn to drive a stick shift car. I always say I don't drive one because it is too much work...but really, I tried to learn in high school and it was traumatic and I've always felt like I gave up too soon.

9. Cut the cord on friendships I have outgrown. (If you think this might be you, it might be...)

10. Eat more veggies.

11. Floss at least 3 times a week...or at least more than the day before a cleaning at the dentist.

12. Read some classic book that seems boring...maybe I'll like it. Anyone have any suggestions?

13. Try to spend one day without judging anyone else and see if I feel better about myself. I probably won't because really, what is the fun in that? But I could at least say I tried.

14. Have a day at school where we eat candy, watch a movie and draw pictures all day...but I'd have to swear the kids to secrecy and probably even threaten them. And eventually someone would tell on me...Even being union VP wouldn't save me from being called in on that one.

15. Say what everyone wants to say but is too scared to say to __________. (Can't even put her name...too scary!)

16. Get hit on by a former student who doesn't realize who I am. (Don't be disgusted, my first few classes of students are in their mid to late 20's at this point, there has to be at least one or two that MIGHT go for me, right?? ;-).)

17. Climb to the top of a climbing wall. My problem is I am too chicken.

18. Swim with dolphins.

19. Pet an Orca.

20. Learn to speak Spanish.

21. Win the Lotto...doesn't have to be MILLIONS. Just several hundred thousand would do. Pay off the house, buy a new car...put some away for the boys and buy one of everything at Ann Taylor Loft.

22. Learn to make banana bread so I don't have to throw away all those bananas every week.

23. Trip that mean girl who called Ryder fat and ugly.

24. Have enough expendable income to go back to Disney World and not have to take 2 years to pay it off.

Not a real "wow" of a list...I have NO desire to bungee jump, climb a major mountain or anything else that might cause my untimely death. I also am not patient or hard working enough to write a novel or cure cancer. But it would be exciting, cathartic and in some cases just fun, to do the above.

Don't Leave Me Hanging....

So, yesterday I introduced myself to a couple that I will be seeing weekly now that a certain sport my older son plays has begun. They are new to the team. I briefly met the husband a couple of weeks ago, but I reintroduced myself and held out my hand. He said hello and that he remembered meeting me and did not shake my hand. He did not introduce me to his wife, I had to repeat myself.

For some reason, I can not get over it. RUDE!!! I have no open sores, rashes or even a cold so that he would have been fearful of touching me. Now, maybe he's a germ-a-phobe and he touches no one...I will have to watch. But it really pissed me off. Ok, vent done...

Thing I Am Not Sure About:

At my ripe old age not much surprises or confuses me...but then something does and I just have to stop and wonder, "Huh??" Things such as:

1. That the guy in back of me in line at Starbuck's knows my order, but the woman behind the counter doesn't and she is there every fricking morning. Is that guy some weird stalker or is the Starbuck's lady slow?

2. Am I allowed to walk up to the drive through at the bank during business hours? I do it all the time, but people in cars look at me funny and I always worry someone will run me over.

3. Having the news on with the kids around. My kids see the news and sometimes I switch it off when it gets intense. But really, I think they are old enough to know what is going on in the world. I know some of my friends do not approve of this. Or, maybe it is just some of the other shows....Hmmmm...

4. I can't stop these ShoppyBag emails and I am starting to get pissed off. I know it is my fault for opening it, but I got the original one from a mom in my class...I couldn't ignore it!! Now, I pay the price for being a prisoner of technology. Fiddle sticks and damnation...

5. My parents will be out of town for the High Holidays. My sister is having her kid's sleep over party on the first night of Rosh Hashonnah and I am going to see Tom's band the second night. So, no Rosh Hashonnah this year. Is that wrong?? I don't even feel guilty about it...is that wrong?

6. I have a retirement fund...I haven't looked at the statements since the economy started going downhill. I figure what I don't know won't hurt me and things have a decade or two to right themselves.

7. Why are some people scared of people from their past? They are just people you went to high school with...if you aren't in the witness protection program you have nothing to worry about. No one cares that much about your extra 10 pounds.

8. Does my dog really need that expensive flea stuff if she never goes outside? She's getting old, she saunters out, pees and then comes back in. Plus, no fleas are in my yard in the winter, right?

9. Who should I call about the sticky tack at work that doesn't actually stick to anything? It is driving me nuts.

10. If you don't want to police your kids cell phone usage 24/7 then give them unlimited texting and tell them they have no minutes. Really, life is too short to be the cell phone police. Fork over the $ for texts and just read through their inbox when they are asleep.That's not wrong, is it?

11. How much bad stuff my 6th grader is learning on the bus. He played me an audio clip he recorded of some 8th graders and really, I almost blushed. And I am no prude! I deftly danced around my 4th grader inquiring about what "a party in my pants" means. I'm sure his brother filled him later when I left the room. That's what brothers are for, right?

12. Why my son's soccer trainer thinks it is fine for me to have to pick up from soccer practice 2 weeknights/week from September-November at 9:15 p.m. Oh, right! Because I am paying for this crap, that's why. I guess I should be happy that the third night he is done at 7:30 p.m.

13. Why ooblek works. It is cool though.

14. Is is ok that I like "The Wizards of Waverly Place"? I mean, that isn't too weird, right? It's not like I'm watching Barney or something...

Ok, my brain hurts...school has been very busy. It is all going well, but as you can see, I have a lot on my mind. And you know, eventually I will run out of space up there. Then we are all in trouble.

Very busy....

Trying to come up for air....very busy....first week of school. Everyone pulling in different directions....class, my own kids, union stuff....I will be back soon!!!