Silly Things I Enjoy...

Sometimes people do goofy things that are pointless. Sometimes people do weird things that are entertaining. Not that I judge others...oh, ok, well I do, you caught me. But for the most part I find amusement in the silliness of others, as long as it doesn't affect me. You know why, right? (Hint: Fill in the blank---It is all about __________.)

Here are some silly things I like:

1. The goofballs at the gym who circle the parking lot, and circle the parking lot, and circle the parking lot looking for a front row spot. Seriously? You are on your way to work out and you can't walk a few hundred feet? You have to stalk me as I leave the building like some giant metal panther and then take off when you deem my spot in the far corner not worthy? Sometimes I take a meandering route to my car to confuse these people and waste their time. It makes me giggle.

2. People who claim they never got my text or email when I know they did because my Blackberry tells me when things get delivered, and sometimes even read. Fibbers!!! I love it when they say, "Oh, I didn't get it" or "I had my phone off". LOL...just tell me you were too busy to answer.

3. That my mother still cuts me off when she attempts to answer the second line in her house. She has had 2 lines since I was 6 years old and she still can not do it. "Hold on, the other line. I will be right back." I usually hang on for a few seconds on the off chance she won't cut me off...but alas, the dial tone rears its silly little head. Occasionally I get annoyed, like if I was in the middle of explaining something for the third time. But usually I just chuckle and hang up and wait for her to call back. There is a certain comfort in the regularity of such things.

4. People who claim they didn't know something important when the information was sent to them via email. I love resending the email that the information was in to them. Sometimes I even highlight the part they need..and you guessed it, I giggle when I do it. Busted!!

5. Pretending to take a photo of a friend with my phone when I am really taking a photo of someone in the background who is dressed: a) inappropriately; b) sluttily; c) stupidly; or d) all of the above.

6. Watching Dancing With the Stars and hoping that Kate Gosselin falls down and breaks her nose. Maybe she'd even hit her head so hard her hair extensions would pop off. Now THAT would be hysterical!!!!

7. When someone walks into a really clear door or window because they don't see it. That cracks me up. Then they are all embarrassed...just thinking about it right now I snorted I was giggling so hard.

8. Watching someone have a meltdown in a store over something like not being able to make a return or exchange due to insufficient receipts or something like that. They usually act so self-righteous and then get all loud. Cracks me up...I mean really, we have rules, people!! Otherwise the world would go to hell in a hand basket and people would be returning rotten blueberries to Best Buy or old rugs covered in dog barf to Starbucks. We. Must. Have. Order. People!!!

9. Anything to do with vampires: books, an HBO series, you name it. Although, I really just like nice vampires. You know, the romantic ones. Go ahead and judge me. When the truth comes out and we find out they are real they will like me and they will drain you and enjoy your pain. And I will giggle!

10. Being right about dumb stuff...double space after a period? NO! I told you so! It will take an hour to get downtown. Yep! I was right! So there!! And it makes me really giddy when you admit it to me. ;-)

Those are a few entertaining things. None of them really cause any physical damage, usually. They just make me laugh. Sometimes the misfortune or miscalculation of others brightens my day.

Now that I think about it, the "seeing someone walk into a glass door/window" thing really is the best. I'm cracking up right now sitting at the computer. Tom wants to know why...Don't tell him. He already thinks I'm mean.

Things I Have Learned as I've Grown Older...or, er, um, More Mature:

I took a writing break, in case anyone noticed. I've been reading and playing games. Plus, I ran out of ideas. But lately, at work I've been feeling old again. Then one day recently it just hit me like a bird into a window on a sunny day (and isn't that the BEST sound ever??).

I'm NOT old...as I keep telling my brother (who is 7 months younger than I am, you figure it out) I am just moving forward, which is inevitable. And sometimes, not so bad because with maturity comes wisdom...and the breakdown of body tissue, but that's another Note.

There are some things that I have gathered as truths over the decades. You may or may not agree, but if you recall from my more prolific writing time, I don't really care what you think. It. Is. All. About. Me. So, here we go...

1. Throw it away: You will not use it again, wear it again, give it away or find another need for it. If you honestly have something that makes you think, "Oh the kids might want it when they are ", YOU ARE WRONG. Seriously, for example I have every fricking cell phone I ever owned in a drawer in my house. Do the boys want some 5 pound, antenna bound, digital mess that barely fit in my purse, much less my pocket? Of course not....and now what do I do with that crap? I think it might be illegal to throw them away.

2. I have an addictive personality: TAB, soap operas, Facebook, Cafe World (which I blame for my lack of essay writing over the last 8 months). When I do something I do it BIG and all the way. So, I have to be careful what I start cuz ya never know....Meanwhile, if you bop into Cafe World, leave me a tip and send me mystery spices. I'm low on InstaThyme.

3. Less matters: A lot of the kids at work (and by kids I mean the newbies, not the actual children) get all riled up about stuff. I am at the point that I used to scoff at...you know the point where you can say stuff like, "Back in the day," and "In the 90"s", and "It all comes back around full circle...if you stick around long enough you will see." Oy....I hate hearing myself say those things, but it is true. Things could be better, but they could be a hell of a lot worse. It takes time to be able to see the big picture.

4. I don't look that bad: Sometimes I feel bad about my weight, my fake and real syndromes and diseases or my dark roots. There is an instant cure for this...travel an hour north to Wisconsin and look around. We look great this side of the border.

5. You have to take time for yourself: The more experienced in life (lol) you are, the fewer people actually care about your well being. That may sound harsh, but it is true. People who care may be disinterested, busy playing video games or Little League, working 24/7 or even dead. So you have to take time for you. Moms who say, "I don't have time to work out, go out with a friend" etc...aren't trying hard enough. The saying "If Mommy ain't happy, no one is happy" is true. Face it, mom is the captain of the ship. If she is unhappy that ship is sunk. Make time for yourself. Whether it is an hour a day to exercise or watch General Hospital (which is getting really good this month, btw) you need to do that.

6. You can never be up to date with technology: I can try, and I do...but once you buy something, 10 minutes later some update makes it obsolete. I love my ereader. But I think I might need an iPad now. And if you are listening, be sure to tell Tom and my parents that is what I expect for my birthday.

7. Birds and Comcast are evil and they suck. Birds want to peck your eyes out and Comcast wants to steal your money. This will never change no matter how old I get. I am working on learning to accept both. Baby steps...

8. I am not a bad parent: I have seen a lot of kids and a lot of parents over 20 years of teaching...and really, I'm not that bad, so far.

9. You can't worry about everything the news tells you to worry about: Blizzards? Swine flu? Bird Flu? SARS? West Nile virus? Brain tumors from cell phones? If I worried about every single thing that showed up on the 10:00 news I'd be a mess. Now, bird flu may be serious..but at this point if it kills lots of birds first I'm ok with it. Live your life, the news is there for ratings, restaurant reviews and Tracy Butler's soap opera trivia.

10. Be thankful: Things aren't perfect but still, I choose happiness. You can be angry or bitter or pissed off...but that takes a lot of effort. Pick the thing in life that is good-your job, your kids, a hobby and focus on it. Don't focus on the one bad thing, turn it around and attend to the thing that is good. See the glass as half full...it isn't as impossible as it seems.

I'm not Little Mary Sunshine, I'm just being practical. Life is too short to be angry all the time. So...jump in here, folks. What life lesson have you learned? Do share...Remember, I'm running low on creativity here.

Haven't been around at all...

Have you missed me? ;-)

I think probably not.

I had to make a choice between things to spend my time on and things not to. Unfortunately, the blogsphere lost out...obviously since my last post was around Thanksgiving (which, btw, doesn't seem all that long ago).

But now it is almost Passover and Easter. These are both holidays with food that I like.

Passover, some observations:

1. Let my people go...but take the matzoh with you.

2. Gefilte fish...not real fish, but yummy nonetheless. Although, smother anything with fuchsia colored horseradish and I'm a sucker for it.

3. Seders...someone always makes the parsley joke. If you don't know it, it can't not be repeated here. This is a family show.

4. Flourless chocolate cake is just not that good. Sorry. But I love me some macaroons!

5. I don't keep Passover. I like carbs too much.

6. My mom makes the greatest brisket. I wait for it all year.

Easter, some observations:

1. I like jelly beans but Jelly Bellys piss me off. I want to know what I am getting and you usually aren't sure with those.

2. I love Gummy Bears.

3. My mother-in-law always buys extra candy for the hubby and me. I love that. It reminds me of the Easter 2 days before son #2 was born. I took all the candy to the hospital with me and for 3 days (c-section) the nurses were so happy to attend to me because they all left with a mouthful of Gummies, Jellies or chocolate eggs.

Well, that's all I got right now. Not quite back into the swing of things. It has been awhile.

Stay tuned...

Things I Can't Stop Saying...

I get stuck on the "trendy" phrase bandwagon sometimes. I am not proud of it, because I'd like to think that I am fairly original and have a novel approach to words. But alas, I find myself saying crap and I can't stop! And then at times I find myself saying things I wish I didn't have to say...I blame my children for those utterances. You know, like when you hear yourself actually saying, "If your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it too??" Here we go:

1. "Seriously?"...I can't stop this one right now. It has the right amount of sarcasm if said with raised eyebrows and it puts the offender in his/her place right quick. If I could raise ONE eyebrow then I'd be the queen of sarcastic snarkiness!

2. "Riiight?"...This is all the rage right now amongst my peers. Sometimes I make a concerted effort to NOT say it and at other times it just pops out. I especially use it in texts. It delivers the right amount of agreement and flabbergastedness (and yes, I just made that one up right now) while only using between 6 and maybe 10 text spaces (depending on how many "i's" I put in).

3. "What did I just say?"...This one is for my 6th grader who apparently has decided he only needs to adhere to directives with which he agrees. I say this to clarify my position...so far it is working but I know my time is limited.

4. "Look at the board."...I have to say this at least 50 times a day in school. I write everything on the white board but some students just can't remember to turn their heads and look. At least I am getting paid to repeat myself in this instance. ;-)

5. "Are you kidding me?"...This one is in the same ballpark as, "Seriously" but is usually said with some remorse, disappointment or frustration. For example...you just finagled a babysitter who can drive and stay late into the night so that you can attend a party you really want to go to. It took like 8 phone calls...then someone calls and says the party is being moved to the night that the high school has homecoming/turnabout/prom, so now you will NEVER get a sitter.

6. "I don't blame you for feeling that way"...This is usually said to various family members. Usually, I don't understand why they feel that way, I do want to blame them and I'm annoyed. But, after years of actually saying what I do think I realized that in the vein of self-preservation, I need to just shut up and validate.

7. "Can someone get that?"...Is there a real reason why no one else is capable of answering the telephone except me? I'm just asking...

8. "I don't know where your hat/shoe/phone/iPod is"...I guess I should be flattered that my kids think I know where everything they have ever touched is hiding in the house. But I don't. And usually they ask me when I am out the door, on the treadmill or extremely busy playing Bejeweled.

9. "Turn off your phone"...I know this seems odd coming from me, my Blackberry is permanently attached to me. But at least I put it on vibrate! My son's constant incoming texts can really piss a person off, especially since his text tone is a man's voice saying, "Excuse me Boss, but you have a text message!"...I can hear it in my sleep sometimes.

10. "Excuse me?"...I love saying this one to stupid people because then they are forced to repeat their stupidity. I don't like stupid people.

Or Comcast.

Or birds.

You know I couldn't get through a note without mentioning one or both of those, right?

Riiiiiiiiight!!

I Choose Happiness But Am Still Annoyed By:

1. People who forward stuff that CLEARLY is not true. I mean c'mon. How can you be a college or high school graduate and honestly believe that if you forward something to 20 people Bill Gates will give you $1000? Ridiculous.

2. On that same note...I know who my friends are and I love them (although not all equally and at the same time...). I do not need a thousand email forwards telling me I am a strong woman and someone loves me. Oh, but wait! An angel or a heart made up of parentheses, asterisks and colons is very special.

3. Every pink thing for breast cancer. I know I am going out on a limb here...and I am not belittling anyone's fight against disease. But when eveything you pick up has a pink ribbon on it, it kind of diminishes the message. The official soup of the fight against breast cancer? The official NASCAR driver in the fight against breast cancer? The official battery of the fight against breast cancer?

4. People who still can't use caller ID. If my mother cuts me off one more fricking time with, "Hold on, the other line is ringing," and then comes back with, "It was just my lady at Neiman's reminding me my hose are in," I am not responsible for my actions.

5. The guy at Starbuck's who still can't reload my card efficiently. He has been there since the summer. I can not possibly be the only person who comes in and asks for that to be done. It is getting so bad there I welcome being helped by the older woman who USED to be the inefficient one.

6. People who think my job is just one big recess-y picnic followed by June, July and August. I LOVE my career (which is different than a JOB, btw). But I work hard, in fact MUCH harder than I worked 10 or 15 years ago. It is a whole different world now...better in most ways. It ain't easy though.

7. The Gosselins. I am so over them..they are dysfunctional and sick. Their poor, poor kids are the Lohans and Hiltons of the future.

8. When I get to the bottom of my venti coffee (yes, I know I should have put this up with my other Starbucks issue, but I just thought of it...roll with it) and there are coffee grounds there! Yuck and ewwww!!

9. My neighbor with his perfect lawn and gardening. He owns his own business, he works a lot...how does he have the time?? Everytime I am out there trying to trim the rose bushes (which I make up as I go along, there is no "plan") I feel inadequate and inferior. And I am annoyed by that!

10. People who are late all the time. Plan ahead. It is rude.

11. The fact that the mouse in the basement keeps taking the bait out of the traps. Although, it could be one of the kids...Hmmmm...

12. All of the stupid ailments that have befallen me since I turned 40ish. I am in better shape and happier than I was when I was 25, why doesn't my body fully accept that? I am working on a Note on these ailments and syndromes. Just thought I'd throw it out there now though.

13. People who are too busy to call, text or email me back. I'm busy too. You know what happens over time? I stop trying...then you don't get the benefit of my scintillating, warm and fuzzy frienship. So there.

14. The fact that Deadliest Catch is not even on in reruns over the fall/winter. How am I supposed to deal with that? It is very upsetting...I miss Sig. I know he misses me too. He does! Shut up!

15. When I think there is one more piece of pizza left in the fridge and I go to sneak it and find that someone (TOM!) has already eaten it. Drat! Good thing there is candy for the next few weeks...

You don't think less of me for being petty, do you? Well tough...you know what else annoys me? Judgmental people. ;-)