Odd and Other Things at the Health Club:

Ok, so I belong to Bally's. Not exactly the creme de la creme of "clubs". But on a teacher budget it works very well, thank you. However, there are a few things (good and bad) I've noticed over the years I have frequented "the club":

1. Why do some older, very flabby women feel that it is perfectly ok to walk around the locker room stark naked? And then, when they are nekkid as a jaybird (whatever THAT means...aren't all birds naked? And btw, birds are evil, naked or not. You should hate them...but I digress...) why do they insist on sitting on the bench and getting their nakedness all over the place?? Ewww...

2. How can some people walk around the locker room with BARE FEET? OMG, it completely gives me the heebie-jeebies when I see this. I want to go up to them and say, "Are you insane? You could get athlete's foot at the very least! Don't you worry about staph or fungi or other gross things you learn about on health.com??"

3. There is a lady at Bally's who goes on the elliptical with the following equipment: several towels, Clorox wipes wrapped in aluminum foil, and a box of kleenex. (Clearly she isn't one walking around barefoot in the locker room.) Now, those who are THAT worried about germs probably should suck it up and invest in a piece of home gym equipment. Can you imagine the fumigation she must have to go through when she gets home each day?? Oy, the poor thing.

4. People who get on a treadmill or elliptical for under 10 minutes and then get off should't even bother. They are just making the rest of us wait. Take the stairs at the mall next time...same result.

5. A leotard and tights....sweetie, the 80's are long over. You are too old to look like Jamie Lee Curtis in "Physical"...you just look stupid. Wear actual clothes for working out....they have ENTIRE sections for this at Target, Macy's or any sporting good store.

6. To all of the people who sweat on the weight machines and don't wipe it off...YOU ARE A PIG! No one likes you, we want to confront you about it, but these days you never know who will go all Uni-Bomber on your ass so we don't. We seethe internally and rant about you on blogs. Wipe off the damn machine, it takes far less effort than the poundage you just biceps-curled to impress the leotarded wench across the way.

7. If you are going to try a new group ex class...just stick it out. No one cares if you suck and no one is wasting time watching you and judging. We are too busy getting in our cardio. But you should actually TRY, don't take up room giggling out of insecurity and get in MY way when I am trying to knee and kick across the floor. I will kick your ass if you don't move. And you better not complain about it, I was here first.

8. Oh, back to the locker room again...when you shower, if there is a curtain, PULL IT! No one wants to see you naked and wet except maybe your husband. And really, he might not even....

9. If you are so dumb that you keep forgetting the combination to your lock and they have to keep using the jaws of life to break into your locker BUY A KEY LOCK, you moron.1

0. The testosterone room...it is scary, no matter what anyone else says. And why are so many of those muscle-y guys short? Hmmmmm....

11. The elliptical machines with the personal tvs on them are the GREATEST thing ever! LOVE THOSE! It makes the time go by so much more quickly. I want a mini-built in tv for all my down time....like could I get one for my desk at school? Inside my purse? I love tv, have I mentioned that before?

12. I love the Bally's meal replacement bars. The peanut butter crunchy ones are good. Try them.

13. If you need a great group class...Kwando and Hi/Low at the Deerfield Bally's are the greatest. And if you come and mention this note you get one free class of me not kicking you in the ass if you get in my way, promise!

Not that I could afford another, so I can't complain too much. Overall, it is a good place to workout and like I said, the classes are awesome. It is a microcosm of society though...more so than upscale clubs because almost anyone can afford Bally's. And the more you look around, the more you realize that people are WEIRD and fascinating, and sweaty.