Unwritten Rules...

An unwritten rule, as adults understand it, is something that is kind of common sense. I have tried to explain this concept to my 4th graders at school but it is very hard. They come up with stuff like, "You can't kill people!" (Actually that IS written...Moses and law enforcement have opinions on it) or, "Don't run and scream in the hall." (Again, it is written in the Code of Conduct that your parents claim they read each fall and then throw out...which could explain a lot, btw.)However...as adults we DO get this concept and lots of "unwritten rules" were addressed as things that rude people ignore when I wrote about manners awhile back. Anyhoo (I still hate that, but it is fun to type), let's tackle this topic, shall we? Let's!

1. It is an unwritten rule that when someone calls you and wakes you up you say, "Oh, no I was up!" Let's examine this....we don't want to make the person feel bad? Why? You know what? I work hard all week and if I wanna sleep until 10:00 a.m. on Sunday and let my kids play videogames then why should I feel guilty? I did pay my dues...my younger son DID NOT SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT UNTIL HE WAS 16 MONTHS OLD. I am not kidding or exaggerating, ask Tom. I deserve a few lazy mornings. So, I eschew this rule!! I rebel! Next time you wake me up, I will tell you!! So there.

2. I know this was a whole other Note...but having good manners is an unwritten rule. Without manners we run the risk of civilized society as we know it collapsing upon us! Really people, when we stop RSVP'ing, thanking the doorholders of the world, and writing thank you notes we are really no better than cave dwellers who lived and died by the migration of the wooly mammoth!!

So...I hereby WRITE down this unwritten rule...do something that proves you have manners and then post it here. I dare you!

3. Playdates...It is pretty much an unwritten rule that if someone has your kid over for a playdate you have to reciprocate. This one annoys me...but I do feel it is true and I feel pressured by it. And I get it, my kid spends time at your house I should do the same. But do you know what I do all day?? I love my job, but some days I just don't want extra kids around, you know? I mean, does a bus driver want to drive the family to Yosemite on his day off? NO, of course not!Of course, if your kid has come to my house more than once and you haven't reciprocated I expect a call soon.

4. Do not openly disagree with your spouse publicly. I am pretty serious on the"don't air your dirty laundry in public" creed. Couples don't have to agree on everything but it is icky when they argue about it in front of others. That is not to say that much in my life isn't an open book, because it is. But aside from occasionally lambasting Tom in front of others for excessive napping or failure to properly 409 the counters I try to keep it indoors.

5. If you have psycho or vicious or annoying pets, put them away when guests come over. I like animals. But I do not want some annoying dog all up in my business when I am trying to pick my kid up from a playdate I don't want to reciprocate. That also goes for putting the pets away when someone who is allergic, scared or wary of animals comes over. As a host it is your job to make guests feel safe and happy in your home...unless they work for Comcast. Then all bets are off.

6. No matter how close you are, the answer to, "Do I look like I have gained weight?" is always, "No". I don't care who asks, they really don't want to hear the answer if it is "yes". No good can come of this question...back away!!

7. Do not let anyone photograph you doing something illegal. This is the mark of someone young and stupid. It will come back to haunt you whether you are famous or not. And if you are famous (ahem, Michael Phelps) don't think for one second that someone won't use it against you if you get farther in life than they do. People suck.

8. Don't go barefoot in the locker room. A fungus will get you. Plus, it is gross.

9. If it is over 75 degrees and you are having company PUT ON THE FRICKING AIR CONDITIONING. Guests don't want to come to your house to sweat. One of the greatest inventions is AC and people who don't use it for fear of the electric bill are morons. Why should the rest of us suffer? AC is far more necessary than heat...you can always put on a sweater. But I don't want to come to your cocktail party and drip sweat down the back of my new Loft blouse (while your dog sniffs my butt) because you are cheap.

10. Don't get to the front of a line and not know what to do. If it is your turn at McDonald's know what you want, it isn't that hard. If it is your turn at the DMV pay attention and know what you need to have ready. Failure to prepare on your part constitutes reason for me to kick your ass...

So...what am I missing? I know there are more but the other ones I thought of aren't completely UNWRITTEN (like don't lie about how many items you have in your cart for the Express Lane at Jewel-the limit IS written on the sign). I am sure there is more...and there has got to be one to do with birds, right?