Silly Things I Enjoy...

Sometimes people do goofy things that are pointless. Sometimes people do weird things that are entertaining. Not that I judge others...oh, ok, well I do, you caught me. But for the most part I find amusement in the silliness of others, as long as it doesn't affect me. You know why, right? (Hint: Fill in the blank---It is all about __________.)

Here are some silly things I like:

1. The goofballs at the gym who circle the parking lot, and circle the parking lot, and circle the parking lot looking for a front row spot. Seriously? You are on your way to work out and you can't walk a few hundred feet? You have to stalk me as I leave the building like some giant metal panther and then take off when you deem my spot in the far corner not worthy? Sometimes I take a meandering route to my car to confuse these people and waste their time. It makes me giggle.

2. People who claim they never got my text or email when I know they did because my Blackberry tells me when things get delivered, and sometimes even read. Fibbers!!! I love it when they say, "Oh, I didn't get it" or "I had my phone off". LOL...just tell me you were too busy to answer.

3. That my mother still cuts me off when she attempts to answer the second line in her house. She has had 2 lines since I was 6 years old and she still can not do it. "Hold on, the other line. I will be right back." I usually hang on for a few seconds on the off chance she won't cut me off...but alas, the dial tone rears its silly little head. Occasionally I get annoyed, like if I was in the middle of explaining something for the third time. But usually I just chuckle and hang up and wait for her to call back. There is a certain comfort in the regularity of such things.

4. People who claim they didn't know something important when the information was sent to them via email. I love resending the email that the information was in to them. Sometimes I even highlight the part they need..and you guessed it, I giggle when I do it. Busted!!

5. Pretending to take a photo of a friend with my phone when I am really taking a photo of someone in the background who is dressed: a) inappropriately; b) sluttily; c) stupidly; or d) all of the above.

6. Watching Dancing With the Stars and hoping that Kate Gosselin falls down and breaks her nose. Maybe she'd even hit her head so hard her hair extensions would pop off. Now THAT would be hysterical!!!!

7. When someone walks into a really clear door or window because they don't see it. That cracks me up. Then they are all embarrassed...just thinking about it right now I snorted I was giggling so hard.

8. Watching someone have a meltdown in a store over something like not being able to make a return or exchange due to insufficient receipts or something like that. They usually act so self-righteous and then get all loud. Cracks me up...I mean really, we have rules, people!! Otherwise the world would go to hell in a hand basket and people would be returning rotten blueberries to Best Buy or old rugs covered in dog barf to Starbucks. We. Must. Have. Order. People!!!

9. Anything to do with vampires: books, an HBO series, you name it. Although, I really just like nice vampires. You know, the romantic ones. Go ahead and judge me. When the truth comes out and we find out they are real they will like me and they will drain you and enjoy your pain. And I will giggle!

10. Being right about dumb stuff...double space after a period? NO! I told you so! It will take an hour to get downtown. Yep! I was right! So there!! And it makes me really giddy when you admit it to me. ;-)

Those are a few entertaining things. None of them really cause any physical damage, usually. They just make me laugh. Sometimes the misfortune or miscalculation of others brightens my day.

Now that I think about it, the "seeing someone walk into a glass door/window" thing really is the best. I'm cracking up right now sitting at the computer. Tom wants to know why...Don't tell him. He already thinks I'm mean.

Things I Have Learned as I've Grown Older...or, er, um, More Mature:

I took a writing break, in case anyone noticed. I've been reading and playing games. Plus, I ran out of ideas. But lately, at work I've been feeling old again. Then one day recently it just hit me like a bird into a window on a sunny day (and isn't that the BEST sound ever??).

I'm NOT old...as I keep telling my brother (who is 7 months younger than I am, you figure it out) I am just moving forward, which is inevitable. And sometimes, not so bad because with maturity comes wisdom...and the breakdown of body tissue, but that's another Note.

There are some things that I have gathered as truths over the decades. You may or may not agree, but if you recall from my more prolific writing time, I don't really care what you think. It. Is. All. About. Me. So, here we go...

1. Throw it away: You will not use it again, wear it again, give it away or find another need for it. If you honestly have something that makes you think, "Oh the kids might want it when they are ", YOU ARE WRONG. Seriously, for example I have every fricking cell phone I ever owned in a drawer in my house. Do the boys want some 5 pound, antenna bound, digital mess that barely fit in my purse, much less my pocket? Of course not....and now what do I do with that crap? I think it might be illegal to throw them away.

2. I have an addictive personality: TAB, soap operas, Facebook, Cafe World (which I blame for my lack of essay writing over the last 8 months). When I do something I do it BIG and all the way. So, I have to be careful what I start cuz ya never know....Meanwhile, if you bop into Cafe World, leave me a tip and send me mystery spices. I'm low on InstaThyme.

3. Less matters: A lot of the kids at work (and by kids I mean the newbies, not the actual children) get all riled up about stuff. I am at the point that I used to scoff at...you know the point where you can say stuff like, "Back in the day," and "In the 90"s", and "It all comes back around full circle...if you stick around long enough you will see." Oy....I hate hearing myself say those things, but it is true. Things could be better, but they could be a hell of a lot worse. It takes time to be able to see the big picture.

4. I don't look that bad: Sometimes I feel bad about my weight, my fake and real syndromes and diseases or my dark roots. There is an instant cure for this...travel an hour north to Wisconsin and look around. We look great this side of the border.

5. You have to take time for yourself: The more experienced in life (lol) you are, the fewer people actually care about your well being. That may sound harsh, but it is true. People who care may be disinterested, busy playing video games or Little League, working 24/7 or even dead. So you have to take time for you. Moms who say, "I don't have time to work out, go out with a friend" etc...aren't trying hard enough. The saying "If Mommy ain't happy, no one is happy" is true. Face it, mom is the captain of the ship. If she is unhappy that ship is sunk. Make time for yourself. Whether it is an hour a day to exercise or watch General Hospital (which is getting really good this month, btw) you need to do that.

6. You can never be up to date with technology: I can try, and I do...but once you buy something, 10 minutes later some update makes it obsolete. I love my ereader. But I think I might need an iPad now. And if you are listening, be sure to tell Tom and my parents that is what I expect for my birthday.

7. Birds and Comcast are evil and they suck. Birds want to peck your eyes out and Comcast wants to steal your money. This will never change no matter how old I get. I am working on learning to accept both. Baby steps...

8. I am not a bad parent: I have seen a lot of kids and a lot of parents over 20 years of teaching...and really, I'm not that bad, so far.

9. You can't worry about everything the news tells you to worry about: Blizzards? Swine flu? Bird Flu? SARS? West Nile virus? Brain tumors from cell phones? If I worried about every single thing that showed up on the 10:00 news I'd be a mess. Now, bird flu may be serious..but at this point if it kills lots of birds first I'm ok with it. Live your life, the news is there for ratings, restaurant reviews and Tracy Butler's soap opera trivia.

10. Be thankful: Things aren't perfect but still, I choose happiness. You can be angry or bitter or pissed off...but that takes a lot of effort. Pick the thing in life that is good-your job, your kids, a hobby and focus on it. Don't focus on the one bad thing, turn it around and attend to the thing that is good. See the glass as half full...it isn't as impossible as it seems.

I'm not Little Mary Sunshine, I'm just being practical. Life is too short to be angry all the time. So...jump in here, folks. What life lesson have you learned? Do share...Remember, I'm running low on creativity here.

Haven't been around at all...

Have you missed me? ;-)

I think probably not.

I had to make a choice between things to spend my time on and things not to. Unfortunately, the blogsphere lost out...obviously since my last post was around Thanksgiving (which, btw, doesn't seem all that long ago).

But now it is almost Passover and Easter. These are both holidays with food that I like.

Passover, some observations:

1. Let my people go...but take the matzoh with you.

2. Gefilte fish...not real fish, but yummy nonetheless. Although, smother anything with fuchsia colored horseradish and I'm a sucker for it.

3. Seders...someone always makes the parsley joke. If you don't know it, it can't not be repeated here. This is a family show.

4. Flourless chocolate cake is just not that good. Sorry. But I love me some macaroons!

5. I don't keep Passover. I like carbs too much.

6. My mom makes the greatest brisket. I wait for it all year.

Easter, some observations:

1. I like jelly beans but Jelly Bellys piss me off. I want to know what I am getting and you usually aren't sure with those.

2. I love Gummy Bears.

3. My mother-in-law always buys extra candy for the hubby and me. I love that. It reminds me of the Easter 2 days before son #2 was born. I took all the candy to the hospital with me and for 3 days (c-section) the nurses were so happy to attend to me because they all left with a mouthful of Gummies, Jellies or chocolate eggs.

Well, that's all I got right now. Not quite back into the swing of things. It has been awhile.

Stay tuned...

Things I Can't Stop Saying...

I get stuck on the "trendy" phrase bandwagon sometimes. I am not proud of it, because I'd like to think that I am fairly original and have a novel approach to words. But alas, I find myself saying crap and I can't stop! And then at times I find myself saying things I wish I didn't have to say...I blame my children for those utterances. You know, like when you hear yourself actually saying, "If your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it too??" Here we go:

1. "Seriously?"...I can't stop this one right now. It has the right amount of sarcasm if said with raised eyebrows and it puts the offender in his/her place right quick. If I could raise ONE eyebrow then I'd be the queen of sarcastic snarkiness!

2. "Riiight?"...This is all the rage right now amongst my peers. Sometimes I make a concerted effort to NOT say it and at other times it just pops out. I especially use it in texts. It delivers the right amount of agreement and flabbergastedness (and yes, I just made that one up right now) while only using between 6 and maybe 10 text spaces (depending on how many "i's" I put in).

3. "What did I just say?"...This one is for my 6th grader who apparently has decided he only needs to adhere to directives with which he agrees. I say this to clarify my position...so far it is working but I know my time is limited.

4. "Look at the board."...I have to say this at least 50 times a day in school. I write everything on the white board but some students just can't remember to turn their heads and look. At least I am getting paid to repeat myself in this instance. ;-)

5. "Are you kidding me?"...This one is in the same ballpark as, "Seriously" but is usually said with some remorse, disappointment or frustration. For example...you just finagled a babysitter who can drive and stay late into the night so that you can attend a party you really want to go to. It took like 8 phone calls...then someone calls and says the party is being moved to the night that the high school has homecoming/turnabout/prom, so now you will NEVER get a sitter.

6. "I don't blame you for feeling that way"...This is usually said to various family members. Usually, I don't understand why they feel that way, I do want to blame them and I'm annoyed. But, after years of actually saying what I do think I realized that in the vein of self-preservation, I need to just shut up and validate.

7. "Can someone get that?"...Is there a real reason why no one else is capable of answering the telephone except me? I'm just asking...

8. "I don't know where your hat/shoe/phone/iPod is"...I guess I should be flattered that my kids think I know where everything they have ever touched is hiding in the house. But I don't. And usually they ask me when I am out the door, on the treadmill or extremely busy playing Bejeweled.

9. "Turn off your phone"...I know this seems odd coming from me, my Blackberry is permanently attached to me. But at least I put it on vibrate! My son's constant incoming texts can really piss a person off, especially since his text tone is a man's voice saying, "Excuse me Boss, but you have a text message!"...I can hear it in my sleep sometimes.

10. "Excuse me?"...I love saying this one to stupid people because then they are forced to repeat their stupidity. I don't like stupid people.

Or Comcast.

Or birds.

You know I couldn't get through a note without mentioning one or both of those, right?

Riiiiiiiiight!!

I Choose Happiness But Am Still Annoyed By:

1. People who forward stuff that CLEARLY is not true. I mean c'mon. How can you be a college or high school graduate and honestly believe that if you forward something to 20 people Bill Gates will give you $1000? Ridiculous.

2. On that same note...I know who my friends are and I love them (although not all equally and at the same time...). I do not need a thousand email forwards telling me I am a strong woman and someone loves me. Oh, but wait! An angel or a heart made up of parentheses, asterisks and colons is very special.

3. Every pink thing for breast cancer. I know I am going out on a limb here...and I am not belittling anyone's fight against disease. But when eveything you pick up has a pink ribbon on it, it kind of diminishes the message. The official soup of the fight against breast cancer? The official NASCAR driver in the fight against breast cancer? The official battery of the fight against breast cancer?

4. People who still can't use caller ID. If my mother cuts me off one more fricking time with, "Hold on, the other line is ringing," and then comes back with, "It was just my lady at Neiman's reminding me my hose are in," I am not responsible for my actions.

5. The guy at Starbuck's who still can't reload my card efficiently. He has been there since the summer. I can not possibly be the only person who comes in and asks for that to be done. It is getting so bad there I welcome being helped by the older woman who USED to be the inefficient one.

6. People who think my job is just one big recess-y picnic followed by June, July and August. I LOVE my career (which is different than a JOB, btw). But I work hard, in fact MUCH harder than I worked 10 or 15 years ago. It is a whole different world now...better in most ways. It ain't easy though.

7. The Gosselins. I am so over them..they are dysfunctional and sick. Their poor, poor kids are the Lohans and Hiltons of the future.

8. When I get to the bottom of my venti coffee (yes, I know I should have put this up with my other Starbucks issue, but I just thought of it...roll with it) and there are coffee grounds there! Yuck and ewwww!!

9. My neighbor with his perfect lawn and gardening. He owns his own business, he works a lot...how does he have the time?? Everytime I am out there trying to trim the rose bushes (which I make up as I go along, there is no "plan") I feel inadequate and inferior. And I am annoyed by that!

10. People who are late all the time. Plan ahead. It is rude.

11. The fact that the mouse in the basement keeps taking the bait out of the traps. Although, it could be one of the kids...Hmmmm...

12. All of the stupid ailments that have befallen me since I turned 40ish. I am in better shape and happier than I was when I was 25, why doesn't my body fully accept that? I am working on a Note on these ailments and syndromes. Just thought I'd throw it out there now though.

13. People who are too busy to call, text or email me back. I'm busy too. You know what happens over time? I stop trying...then you don't get the benefit of my scintillating, warm and fuzzy frienship. So there.

14. The fact that Deadliest Catch is not even on in reruns over the fall/winter. How am I supposed to deal with that? It is very upsetting...I miss Sig. I know he misses me too. He does! Shut up!

15. When I think there is one more piece of pizza left in the fridge and I go to sneak it and find that someone (TOM!) has already eaten it. Drat! Good thing there is candy for the next few weeks...

You don't think less of me for being petty, do you? Well tough...you know what else annoys me? Judgmental people. ;-)

Waiting...

I am not a naturally patient person. When something needs to be done, I do it. I don't put it off; I don't saunter through it. I just get 'er done. And yes, occasionally that leads to impulsivity related mistakes....but I can clean those up too. Some things in life you have to wait for though, and I hate that. It sucks to wait for:

1. My coffee at Starbucks when all I order is regular drip. I can go get it myself. And if I did, it wouldn't be too full or too low.

2. The doctor to call back when you have questions about your kid's illness. And then he does call back and you are out to dinner. Of course you explain that the sick kid is home with his very responsible and possibly-more-nurturing father...but still...

3. The light to turn green when you have to get home to pee.

4. Test results from a doctor's office...whether waiting for good or bad news, it sucks. I always find it hard to believe that other people's lives just go on like normal when I am on pins and needles. I guess it isn't all about me, huh?

5. The meeting you have been called into with higher-ups, the boss etc...Even if you might not be in trouble, it is never good to get called in to "the office", right?

6. Friends who are perpetually late. It is a major pet-peeve of mine. I work full time outside the home, I have 2 kids and a dog, and I can get places on time. Everyone should be able to. Plan ahead. It is rude if you assume your time is more important than mine...because it isn't, remember? It is about me (ignore #4 above for now).

7. The shower to warm up in the morning.

8. The moron in front of me at (the) Jewel in the self-check out lane. If you don't know how to do it, then don't go in that lane when it is crowded. The machine is delicate and very picky. You have to show it who is boss and newbies can't do it.

9. Friday, when it is early in the week and you have a ton going on.

10. The weather on the news. Seriously, why isn't it FIRST?? People want to know what tomorrow will be like before they go to bed. And lot of nights I keep the news on to see the weather and then I get distracted and forget to pay attention to it. if it were first, I wouldn't have that problem!

So...chime in. I dislike waiting for your witty input. You don't like waiting for: ________??

Why??...

1. Why does the new lady at Starbucks remember my order but the one who has been there for 3 years doesn't? (And yes, I know I am obsessing over this...but seriously, it is annoying.)

2. Why do the kids at school listen to me so much better than the two with whom I live?

3. Why does that one patch of stained drywall in the dining room from the roof leak 3 years ago bother me so much? It calls to me each time I walk in there, "Look up here, Amy! In the northwest corner of the room by the closet door! I'm taunting you!!"

4. Why are there always stray socks in my basement?

5. Why does my dog drink out of the toilet when I have repeatedly explained to her that it a very bad habit? Not only is it icky, but it makes her pee in the living room before we get home from work. Is it so hard to walk 30 feet the other way into the kitchen to her water bowl? I mean, what ELSE does she have to do all day while we are gone?

6. On the same topic, why do the squirrels in my year mock my elderly dog? In her heyday she woulda made mincemeat outta them. Just ask the childless mother rabbit that used to live in my yard...

7. Why does McDonald' keep asking me if I want to try the Angus burger every time I come through the drivethru? Don't they read "Eat This, Not That"? That burger is like, worse than 3 Big Macs!

8. Why isn't Halloween in the summer when the days are longer and there is more time to trick or treat? And don't give me any of that "harvest" crap. If we still lived our lives based on farm principles kids would start school in October, end in May and I'd be melting lye for soap every weekend.

9. Why do people circle the parking lot at the health club waiting for a prime parking spot? Walk the extra few yards and count it against your treadmill time, for god's sake.

10. Why do the weather people tell us what the weather was like TODAY on the 10:00 news? Today is over, move on.

11. And for that matter, why isn't the weather the first thing on the news each night. That is all anyone cares about anyway.

12. Why do I hate kid birthday parties so much? I love the summer when no one has parties...such a reprieve! School is barely a couple of months underway and already my bulletin board is covered with printed out Evites, conflicting parties and reminders to buy presents that no one will ever play with. That last complaint is why I am strictly going gift cards from now on...it is the only gift that is worthwhile these days. (And for the record my personal favorites are Starbucks, Target and Ann Taylor Loft...oh wait, that's for me. I guess 9 years olds prefer other crap.)

13. Why can't I find a pair of black leather boots that I like as much as the ones I bought 3 years ago and have worn into the ground? It isn't a hard request...but they just don't exist anymore.

14. Why can't you use Lettuce Entertain You Frequent Diner points on Saturdays? Ok, I get "why"...because they want the cash at high traffic times. But if I am frequent-fricking diner and loyal customer (despite DiPescara taking Tom's favorite dish off the menu) shouldn't I get to use my points when I want to?

15. Why do I get so mad when my kids are sick or hurt? I know, character flaw...I am way more sympathetic to the kids at school. Hmmm, maybe it has something to do with #2.

16. Why do I still believe that fax machines are magic?

17. Why do people put Tabasco sauce on stuff? It is so gross. When I see it I have to pant-blow out of my nose so I don't risk smelling it.

18. Why can't I buy Dell ink anywhere except online? Or, is that untrue and I just take their word for it? Is this a scam?

19. Why do some people like blasts from the past and some people eschew them?

20. Why do I feel that I have to have an even number when I write lists? I blame my friend Brian.

Some More Things That Make Me Go Hmmm...

A few things lately, actually....

1. The story on the news about the guy who climbed into the grizzly bear enclosure at a California zoo. The police officer when questioned claimed, "The individual appears to have mental problems." Ya think?? Wow, now that is some in depth police work. That guy should be the new Port Charles police chief. They need someone with a masters degree in the obvious.

2. I love Dancing With the Stars...but is it selfish of me that the two nights a week for 3-4 hours of viewing I find too much of a commitment? I want highlights and recaps...You know, drive-thru DWTS. I'm too busy for this.

3. The guy across the street from me who was leaf blowing the leaves out of his gutters in the wind storm today. Really...he must have been bored.

4. I thought KiddieLand closed like 20 years ago. Apparently I wasn't paying attention.

5. There are still actually people who are not on Facebook. I'm still as confused about this now as I was last year when I wrote about it. My husband is the chief offender. He did join this summer...for about 3 hours. But I tagged him in about 20 pictures and he received 30 friend requests and he freaked out and deleted his account. In many social situations my husband chooses flight over fight. Wuss. (Now let's see how long it takes for someone to tell him I insulted him...)

6. I always assumed I'd be the "cool mom". Now that my older one is in middle school I realize I don't care so much about it. Although I might be on to something because he does choose to hang out here with his friends a lot. I'm just sayin'.

7. Just when the local Starbuck's crew was getting their act together they went on a hiring spree this past week. NOT ONE familiar face behind the counter/bar today. Adding money to my card was very confusing for newbie guy and it took all I had to be nice. Then he forgot to get my coffee and as I stood there waiting he was like, "Did you need something else, ma'am?" Um, yes Einstein...my coffee??!!

8. Paper uses up trees, plastic stays in landfills for 80 million years or something like that...I'm still trying to figure out what to use when they ask. Thoughts? And don't tell me to use the reusable bags because I can't remember to do that. I'm trying to keep 20 4th graders, 2 sons, a husband and a dog on the straight and narrow...that's enough on my mind for now.

9. When the Lean Cuisine boxes say to leave it in the microwave after cooking for 1-2 minutes, do you really have to? Is it just because they think I'm too stupid to not burn myself? Or, is there a real reason?

10. I read an article about the push to get rid of the penny. Did you know it takes more than a penny to make a penny at the Mint? It is fine with me if they banish the penny...but am I the only one who is confused as to how that would work? Would we go cold turkey or would they phase it out? Would goods and services be rounded for final price? I'm assuming everything would be rounded up...fiddlesticks!!

11. The Olympics coming to Chicago...I'm thinking they are coming and will be in our backyard and only wealthy people or those with big business ties will get tickets to anything.

12. The fact that no one has been killed in recent memory at the intersection south of my street. I routinely cross that street on foot and northbound drivers turning east DO NOT EVER STOP for pedestrians. My favorite is when I almost get run over and then I recognize the driver as a parent at school. How entertaining would that be for everyone?

"Did you hear? Ms. K got run over by Bertha's mom!!"

"Yeah, that'll teach her to give a 'C' on a book report!"

Stop laughing....you know it could happen.

So....what has made YOU go, "Hmmmmm" lately?

So sometimes....

You CAN go home again!

Not that you want to all the time of course, because if you did, they'd change the locks. But on occasion traipsing down that lane of memories is a hoot.

This weekend a long gone restaurant reopened in a near-by town. Said restaurant was the site of many Sweet 16s, birthday dinners, dates and then in college and the early years of teaching, "GNO" (Girls Night Out). It had a salad bar to DIE FOR...don't know what was in the tortellini salad but a dollop of it could get me going back in the olden days. The place closed down in the mid 90's and I am not joking when I say that I have thought about some of their menu items routinely for years.

So, fast forward to this summer when they began renovating another restaurant in the same mall. We all waited with breath drawn until this weekend when they reopened. And guess what? I didn't have high expectations. But really, it was the most fun I've had in a room with my children present in ages. Of course, they have some bugs to work out:

1. The main room is too bright, thus giving it a kind of cafeteria style feel.

2. The sweet young hostesses were clearly not ready for the throngs of 30, 40 and 50 something drooling patrons who descended upon them.

3. The usual new restaurant mix ups with a new wait and kitchen staff.

But the famous tortellini salad is still fabulous...I'm thinking about it now and I had half a plate full. I know the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...but tonight the way to my heart was via the salad bar.

Welcome home!

Boys...

I live with my husband and 2 sons. I understand my husband, but it took time. We've been together 24 years this fall. As for the children though, I am occasionally confused, confounded and confuzzled by their behavior....Why, oh why do they:

1. Not care how dirty and smelly they are?

2. Not look when they pee? (And yes, I do look before I sit, but still...)

3. Refuse to use napkins...shirts are not for facial crumbs.

4. (Regarding my older son) Have nothing to say on the telephone but text constantly? And yes, KW, I realize you will blame me for this habit. But he doesn't drive, he's only 11. ;-)

5. Not hear anything I ask them in the morning but can retain the sports scores from the night before while eating cereal and watching SportsCenter?

6. Like to shoot things in video games? I find this boring.

7. Say there is nothing to eat and then take 4 boxes of things down to the basement?

8. Refuse to put clothes in the laundry basket?

Ok, I know there are easy reasons for these things like, "Because Mom will do it," or, "Because they don't care and they aren't really hurting anyone." And really, I choose happiness...I'm just wondering.

Choose Happiness!!

This is my self-proclaimed mantra this year. It has become a bit of a joke between a few of us at work...I think the young'uns might be making fun of me but I don't care. You know why? Because I am happy...so frickin there!

Really, what is the alternative? And don't be glib and say, "Um, duh, moron...the alternative is unhappiness". Because that type of cheekiness is not necessary in my happy world. There are many reasons and ways to be happy. I shall illustrate:

1. Things can be suckish at times...stressful and overwhelming. But you can meet things head on and deal with them, or you can bitch about it and blame others. I spent a lot of time in my younger years doing just this. And really, it takes more effort than just doing what you need to do. Be it work, family or social obligations...things are only as bad as you let them be.

2. Being mad and bitter take A LOT of effort (plus, it is bad for frown lines). If you got killed by a bear tomorrow would you want to leave some things the way they are now? If the person you are mad at got killed by a bear tomorrow how would that pan out for you? Think about it. It may not be worth it.

3. Most people who annoy you do so not because they want to, but because they are concerned, worried or scared about something. If it has to do with their kids put yourself in their shoes...if it were your kid, would you be upset too? If the answer is yes, then stop being annoyed and help them address the problem.

4. Waiting sucks...but sometimes there is no choice. I'm not talking about morons at McDonald's who don't know what to order and hold up the line...those people deserve a little shove. But find something else to do when you are forced to wait for something important. Play on Facebook, read a book, watch General Hospital, call me for a drink. Obsessing raises the blood pressure...I know, I spent lots of time doing this in the past.

5. Say no sometimes. Lots of overstressed, grumpy people are that way because they take on too much. Say no once in awhile. Maybe your family needs you; maybe you have some magazines to read. Whatev, do something for YOU. It is ok.

6. Focus on what you can do and what you can change. I know there are some things I can't change so I move on; it doesn't mean I have given up. But if I soldier on and do MY best the annoying things have less of an effect on those around me. Sitting around complaining accomplishes nothing.

7. Spend time laughing. If there aren't people in your house or at your work who make you laugh, you may need a change of scenery. If you can't be friends with people at work and consider them merely "people I work with" then you may very well be in the wrong career. I feel bad for you because I can't imagine not laughing at work or at home, for that matter.

8. Along the same lines, enjoy your job. Life is too short.

9. The days may go slowly, especially when trapped in the house on a rainy day with your kids. But the years go quickly. Don't blink. Over the mantle in my house it says, "Life isn't a matter of milestones, but of moments". It is true, enjoy things as they come and choose to be happy.

10. Have friends of all ages...the young ones make you remember what it was like, keep you up on music and good nightspots and the more mature ones remind you to add more to your retirement account and seem to know a lot about prescription drugs.

I know I am going out on a limb here...next time I'm in a pissy mood someone will be all, "Choose happiness, Amy!" and I might punch them. But hey, once I get that out of my system I'm sure I will feel better.

Is it wrong?

That I am not that excited for the Olympics to perhaps come to my hometown?

I think Chicago has a pretty good chance at winning the bid to host the 2016 games. In fact, if you don't live here you can't appreciate the constant newspaper articles, the commercials ("I back the bid! Do you back the bid?") with the real Chicago celebs (Mike Ditka) and the locals (Tim Smithe of Smithe Brothers Furniture) and the news reports with the "countdown to the decision". But, I'm not that excited...

I see several issues:

1. Those of us who live will erroneously think that we can get good tickets for awesome events...it won't happen. The tickets will be outrageously priced and impossible to get.

2. Driving anywhere downtown for the weeks leading up to, and the weeks of, the Olympics will be HELL. Us locals won't be able to get to appointments, engagements or anything else for that matter. That will piss me off because it will be SUMMER, when I have the time to do all that stuff!

3. The local news will discuss NOTHING ELSE. I mean, already they talk about it nightly and we haven't even "won" yet.

4. There will be constant infighting about what buildings and lands will be used, taken over, torn down, rebuilt, refurbished etc...This will also take over the local news. Which as you can see from #3 above, will annoy me.

5. The city will prett-i-fy lots of stuff just for the summer...and then let it go to crap afterwards. That is suckish, as my 9 year old would say.

You might think I am un-American, unpatriotic or just a Scrooge. I'm not really...I LOVE the Olympics, when they are on television. Generally, I watch them 24/7 when they are on my tv. I'm not begin negative, just realistic.

Oh well, maybe I am wrong...maybe Chicago will win the bid, I will get tickets for fun stuff like diving and volleyball and gymnastics and we will all be able to drive anywhere we want to all summer. Hey, it could happen!Really, it could...maybe, allegedly, perhaps...I'm not sure. I guess we will have to wait and see...Tune in October 3 for the big DECISION.

I Hate It When People Say....

1. "No offense but..."-Really? Because if you didn't want to offend me you just wouldn't say it. As my son once told a friend, "Just because you say 'no offense' doesn't mean you can be a jerk."

2. "Maybe you didn't understand me"-People say this when they are annoyed you don't agree with them. No jerkwad, I understood you, it is just that you are WRONG!!!

3. "Excuse me, are you in line?"-No, I'm just standing behind all these people to fake you out. Yes, I'm in line and you better back off because I was here first.

4. "I didn't hear the phone ring."-Liar.

5. "Can I see you in my office for a minute?"-It NEVER takes a minute and it is NEVER good. It is better to just be honest and say something like, "Come in my office so I can screw up your whole 'good karma' day."

6. "You look different. What did you do?"-Hmmm, I don't know. Depends on if you mean that as a compliment or not. Different as in "I used to look like crap and now I don't" or different as in "I look older and more worn out but you don't wanna say it"?

7. "Have you talked to Mom/your sister today?"-Don't answer, it's a trick question!!

8. "Does this smell spoiled to you?"-WTF? You think something smells disgusting and you want me to confirm? Trust yourself and leave me out of it.

9. "I hate to ask this but..."-Then don't. Seriously, I'm a busy person and unless I have given birth to you, I'd rather not go out of my way to do anything for you. Deal with it yourself.

10. "Do you have any plans for tonight/tomorrow/next Tuesday?"-Well, I don't know. If you are going to invite me to do something stupid then yes, I have plans. If the invitation is for something good, then I might be available. The only possible answer to that question is, "Why?"

11. "Mom! I need you down here!"-Again, NOTHING good ever comes of this. There is usually, blood, glue, Coca-Cola or something else spillable to contend with when I arrive.

12. "Oh, yes, we've met before."-And I stand there wondering who the hell this person is. I hate that.

I'm sure there are more, but you get the idea...

Things I Would Still Like To Do...

1. Dance on a bar, look good doing it, and have strangers throw money at me. (Ok, well, it would need to be a CLEAN bar...and all the strangers need to have all their teeth.)

2. Tell off a cashier who is being bitchy and acting like *I* am wasting her time when *I* am the one spending money.

3. Say no at work.

4. Meet Sig Hansen.

5. Stop checking up on my kids when they say that things are in their backpacks ready for school...I know, I'm an enabling Mommy and a teacher who does not practice what she preaches. Sue me, I'm human.

6. Leave the house without making the fricking beds...I used to ALL THE TIME in my younger days. Why can't I anymore?

7. Stop giving money to Channel 11 out of guilt. I have paid my dues....Bozo is dead, the boys are long done with Barney and the Teletubbies and everything else on there is British and boring and angst-ridden.

8. Learn to drive a stick shift car. I always say I don't drive one because it is too much work...but really, I tried to learn in high school and it was traumatic and I've always felt like I gave up too soon.

9. Cut the cord on friendships I have outgrown. (If you think this might be you, it might be...)

10. Eat more veggies.

11. Floss at least 3 times a week...or at least more than the day before a cleaning at the dentist.

12. Read some classic book that seems boring...maybe I'll like it. Anyone have any suggestions?

13. Try to spend one day without judging anyone else and see if I feel better about myself. I probably won't because really, what is the fun in that? But I could at least say I tried.

14. Have a day at school where we eat candy, watch a movie and draw pictures all day...but I'd have to swear the kids to secrecy and probably even threaten them. And eventually someone would tell on me...Even being union VP wouldn't save me from being called in on that one.

15. Say what everyone wants to say but is too scared to say to __________. (Can't even put her name...too scary!)

16. Get hit on by a former student who doesn't realize who I am. (Don't be disgusted, my first few classes of students are in their mid to late 20's at this point, there has to be at least one or two that MIGHT go for me, right?? ;-).)

17. Climb to the top of a climbing wall. My problem is I am too chicken.

18. Swim with dolphins.

19. Pet an Orca.

20. Learn to speak Spanish.

21. Win the Lotto...doesn't have to be MILLIONS. Just several hundred thousand would do. Pay off the house, buy a new car...put some away for the boys and buy one of everything at Ann Taylor Loft.

22. Learn to make banana bread so I don't have to throw away all those bananas every week.

23. Trip that mean girl who called Ryder fat and ugly.

24. Have enough expendable income to go back to Disney World and not have to take 2 years to pay it off.

Not a real "wow" of a list...I have NO desire to bungee jump, climb a major mountain or anything else that might cause my untimely death. I also am not patient or hard working enough to write a novel or cure cancer. But it would be exciting, cathartic and in some cases just fun, to do the above.

Don't Leave Me Hanging....

So, yesterday I introduced myself to a couple that I will be seeing weekly now that a certain sport my older son plays has begun. They are new to the team. I briefly met the husband a couple of weeks ago, but I reintroduced myself and held out my hand. He said hello and that he remembered meeting me and did not shake my hand. He did not introduce me to his wife, I had to repeat myself.

For some reason, I can not get over it. RUDE!!! I have no open sores, rashes or even a cold so that he would have been fearful of touching me. Now, maybe he's a germ-a-phobe and he touches no one...I will have to watch. But it really pissed me off. Ok, vent done...

Thing I Am Not Sure About:

At my ripe old age not much surprises or confuses me...but then something does and I just have to stop and wonder, "Huh??" Things such as:

1. That the guy in back of me in line at Starbuck's knows my order, but the woman behind the counter doesn't and she is there every fricking morning. Is that guy some weird stalker or is the Starbuck's lady slow?

2. Am I allowed to walk up to the drive through at the bank during business hours? I do it all the time, but people in cars look at me funny and I always worry someone will run me over.

3. Having the news on with the kids around. My kids see the news and sometimes I switch it off when it gets intense. But really, I think they are old enough to know what is going on in the world. I know some of my friends do not approve of this. Or, maybe it is just some of the other shows....Hmmmm...

4. I can't stop these ShoppyBag emails and I am starting to get pissed off. I know it is my fault for opening it, but I got the original one from a mom in my class...I couldn't ignore it!! Now, I pay the price for being a prisoner of technology. Fiddle sticks and damnation...

5. My parents will be out of town for the High Holidays. My sister is having her kid's sleep over party on the first night of Rosh Hashonnah and I am going to see Tom's band the second night. So, no Rosh Hashonnah this year. Is that wrong?? I don't even feel guilty about it...is that wrong?

6. I have a retirement fund...I haven't looked at the statements since the economy started going downhill. I figure what I don't know won't hurt me and things have a decade or two to right themselves.

7. Why are some people scared of people from their past? They are just people you went to high school with...if you aren't in the witness protection program you have nothing to worry about. No one cares that much about your extra 10 pounds.

8. Does my dog really need that expensive flea stuff if she never goes outside? She's getting old, she saunters out, pees and then comes back in. Plus, no fleas are in my yard in the winter, right?

9. Who should I call about the sticky tack at work that doesn't actually stick to anything? It is driving me nuts.

10. If you don't want to police your kids cell phone usage 24/7 then give them unlimited texting and tell them they have no minutes. Really, life is too short to be the cell phone police. Fork over the $ for texts and just read through their inbox when they are asleep.That's not wrong, is it?

11. How much bad stuff my 6th grader is learning on the bus. He played me an audio clip he recorded of some 8th graders and really, I almost blushed. And I am no prude! I deftly danced around my 4th grader inquiring about what "a party in my pants" means. I'm sure his brother filled him later when I left the room. That's what brothers are for, right?

12. Why my son's soccer trainer thinks it is fine for me to have to pick up from soccer practice 2 weeknights/week from September-November at 9:15 p.m. Oh, right! Because I am paying for this crap, that's why. I guess I should be happy that the third night he is done at 7:30 p.m.

13. Why ooblek works. It is cool though.

14. Is is ok that I like "The Wizards of Waverly Place"? I mean, that isn't too weird, right? It's not like I'm watching Barney or something...

Ok, my brain hurts...school has been very busy. It is all going well, but as you can see, I have a lot on my mind. And you know, eventually I will run out of space up there. Then we are all in trouble.

Very busy....

Trying to come up for air....very busy....first week of school. Everyone pulling in different directions....class, my own kids, union stuff....I will be back soon!!!

Things I Have Been Thinking...

You know, I'm always thinking...always wondering...always pondering. And sometimes, like a string of celery between my molars, something just gets caught and I can't get rid of it. So here ya go:

1. How the heck do fax machines work? I mean, they were around before a lot of the computer stuff we are used to. So really, it is magic, right? I have always wondered this...It can not be explained.

2. When I know perfectly well who someone is and they act like they have NO FRICKING idea who I am, am I really honestly supposed to believe them? All it makes me wonder is WHY they are acting like they don't know who I am. Have they only heard bad things? Have they found everything out that they know about me by internet stalking and they are worried they will give it away? Do they have memory issues and they are embarrassed to admit it? What?? Just say something like, "Oh, sure, Amy. It is nice to see you."

3. Why in the world are so many people allergic to so many things these days? Really...it is freaky and weird. I never knew anyone who was allergic to nuts when I was a kid and now every year I have kids with horrible allergies in my classroom. It is scary. Then of course there is my allergy to stupid people...but that's not new.

4. All those people at daytime major league ball games...they are unemployed slackers, right? So, how do they afford the tickets when I can't and I actually work for a living?

5. Why do people on some of those reality shows do it? That "Toddlers and Tiara" show kills me. I have never watched a whole one...the promos are enough to make me sick. But why do those people do it?? Don't they get it that EVERYONE else in the world thinks they are insane? Do they ever watch themselves?

6. I would be embarrassed to order some of the drinks that I have heard people order in Starbuck's. I mean please, I can barely remember where I parked that early in the morning and these people have orders that consist of 15 words.

7. Why does the "early bird get the worm"? Why can't the rest of us just decide that birds are stupid and scary and evil and we'd prefer to be the "late morning bunny who noshes on a salad"?

8. I don't remember all that much about high school. It didn't make that much of an impression on me. I remember a lot more about junior high and pretty much everything about college. You couldn't pay me to go back to high school. It was a lot of work, a lot of resentment and not enough freedom. I spent a lot of time worrying about what people thought and lo and behold...it turns out it didn't really matter. Hey, if it weren't for Facebook I'd never have seen most of them again, lol.

9. I hate it when I am listening to my iPod and a song comes on and I think, "Huh? I put that on my iPod?? Ewwww." Does that mean that my tastes have changed that much? Maybe downloading elves have hacked my iTunes...Oh wait, I just realized...it could be my kids! They're busted!!!

10. No one has acted too surprised about my age recently...that used to happen all the time. Damn.

That's all for now...but now that I have gotten all this off my chest I can move on to other stuff. But really, if someone can explain fax machines to me in under 100 words I will proclaim your intelligence via my status update on Facebook for an entire day. I swear. And that is a major honor!! Think about it.

Things I Never Thought I'd Say Out Loud...

This is a repost of something I wrote on Facebook last year...I read it again this morning and it made me laugh. Seriously, who has to say some of these things? Oh right, ME! And why would that be? Oh, sure...because I have children who are occasionally insane!!

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1. Stop licking the dog!

2. I don't care if everyone else has a cell phone, you can't have one until you are at least 11!

3. Let me put that in my Blackberry.

4. That bartender doesn't look old enough to serve alcohol.

5. In my day Izod shirts never used to cost THAT much!

6. You have to hold your penis when you pee!

7. In this family we wear pants when we eat dinner.

8. Who barfed in this garbage can?

9. I like Jessica Simpson. (Well, this was true last year...now I just kind of feel sorry for her. I like the purses and shoes in her clothing line though.)

10. I like Barry Manilow. (And I am going to see him in concert this winter with my MOTHER, lol.)

11. My parents were right about a lot of things...especially that smoking is bad and the fact that family comes first.

12. Because I said so!! And if your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it too?

13. Yes, you can have fries and pudding for dinner.

14. Please don't bring the Cokes until their meals come.

15. Don't make me come down there!

16. We don't eat fries off the ground.

17. Stop reading and go to bed!

18. That music is too loud.

19. I'd rather be at work.

20. You have to learn to ride a bike, we named you Ryder. That's called irony.

Six Word Saturday...

Hosted as always by Cate at Show My Face:

My six words are...

Play it like you mean it!


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My husband's band is playing a show tonight...very exciting! He has been practicing for-fricking-ever. I haven't seen him on stage in eons (yes, eons, people). I can assure you that he will be playing it like he means it...because he does!