Suspending Belief...

I love tv. I mean really love it. I watch it all the time and I am not afraid to say that aloud. As a kid, I had few limitations on my tv time and in turn, my kids have few limitations as well. So far, they are not too messed up...if you can overlook a few ill-timed Simpsons or Family Guy quotes at family dinners. Anyway, my point is that all of this makes me (in my own mind) a "TV Expert" if you will, a connoisseur of sorts. I believe in the positive effects of television. But to completely embrace the world of tv you have to be willing to suspend belief on a lot of topics. If you don't, it is just annoying and you end up noticing stupid things. So...here are things you must be willing to overlook:

1. Characters can hear things that Steve Austin never could have heard. But yet, they DON'T hear something just around the corner. This serves to push storylines forward or hold them back, depending on when sweeps week is.

2. They use cell phones in hospitals all the time! When my kid had a concussion and was in the ER getting a CAT scan I forced Tom to call the grandparents on his cell and the nurse reprimanded him. I wanted to point out that on tv they do it all the time...but I was busy.

3. They never actually say good bye when on the phone and this is not seen as rude. I get a call back from my mother when I do this...of course perhaps my ending the conversation with, "Whatever!" and slamming the phone down might have something to do with it too.

4. People never have to wait in lines...unless the premise of the show is that they are in a hurry. On "Seinfeld" they waited in lines all the time, but that show was about nothing.

5. Redecorating is flawless, seamless and takes no time at all. No back ordered supplies, no behind schedule contractors, no rain delays. Yeah, that happens in real life all the time, right?

6. The "pop in" is a staple. On tv people are always just stopping over and popping in to each others' houses. Aside from next door neighbors this really does not happen in real life. And if it did, you'd be annoyed. I'm busy. I do not have time to sit around and chit-chat with people that I did not invite over. If I want you in my house I will invite you...and you better bring wine.

7. Women wake up with make-up on. If normal women go to sleep with make-up on they will wake up a runny, streaky mess. Plus, leaving make-up on 24/7 leads to acne. (Something else that never plagues tv people...except for P. Diddy or Jessica Simpson who use ProActiv, as do I).

8. On tv, when people entertain they always have enough matching chairs, dishes, glasses etc...When my whole family comes over we have to use 2 different tables and 3 different sets of chairs. If I have more than 10 people we use paper plates. And I know on soaps they are all rich but this is the case on sitcoms too...except "Roseanne" but barely making ends meet was the premise of that show.

Clearly there are more "way fakey" things on tv, but there are the ones that jump out at me consistently. Feel free to list any other ones below...but if you don't watch tv (shudder, gasp) no need to judge the rest of us, just go read a book or something ;-).

People I'd Have Dinner With....Or Famous People Who Don't Annoy Me

So, I know this is a game of sorts...name 3 people you'd like to be stuck with on a island or 3 people you'd have dinner with, blah, blah, blah. But surprisingly, I have given this some thought. And the rules are mine...people can be living or dead and obviously the definition of "famous" is entirely MINE:

1. JFK...I have a thing for him. Check out my Shelfari page...I've read about 30 books about him. If I could have dinner with him it would trump the fact that I can't answer the question, "Where were you when JFK was shot?"

2. Bill Clinton...Love Bill. I know he has very male/egocentric tendencies. But still, I think he'd be fun to hang with. He knows stuff and people and all that. Then maybe after dinner he can jam with Tom's band. Cool!

3. Hillary Clinton...Yep, her too. But I think I'd dine with her separately from Bill. I don't want to feel left out or anything. She seems smart, and she knows people too. I would want to know what she REALLY thinks about Barack. Do you think she is over that already? I think she might be because clearly, she is fine with forgiving men who humiliate her in public as long as she gets something out of the deal. Some might call that door-mat like...I call it self-preservation.

4. Finola Hughes...I am in love with her. The woman I'd switch sides for, really. But I'd want her to pretend to be Anna Devane for part of dinner. Anna can kick 3 guys' asses, solve a crime and look great...all in high heeled boots! She is beautiful and tough. If you don't know who she is, Google her...she has lost some weight lately though. She was a bit hotter when she was curvier back in the GH hey-days.

5. Nora Roberts...How does she write ALL those romance novels every year? She can't possibly do it all alone, although that's her story and she is sticking to it, right? But she does write fab-o romance entertainment. She has got it all in her books...some suspense, some women who are tough, but not bitchy, men who are just sensitive enough but not wussy, hot sex scenes and enough action but not too much so that it distracts from the sex. I would however, help her come up with some new names...I have noticed that she reuses some.

6. Sig Hansen...Everyone knows I love Sig (although I was a bit disappointed that he refused to help Keith with his bait problem recently). He is street (or sea, lol) smart, but not book stupid. He is a planner (love that in a man!!) and he is family oriented. Plus, again I will say it...you gotta adore a guy who risks his life to bring you shellfish. That's hot! Do you think he is sick of crab? Or, would it be ok for me to order that when we nosh?

7. Eleanor Roosevelt...What was she really thinking all those years when FDR was half-paralyzed and messing around with Lucy Mercer? I am dying to know. And she worked hard for the downtrodden, you have to respect that. If her personal life wasn't such a mess (and so conflicted) would she still have been like that? Or, was she trying to do what she could to ignore her personal life? Questions, questions...Plus, in this day and age an Invisiline would do wonders for her profile.

8. Dwayne "Dog" Chapman and Beth...Love Dog! He would have great stories and I am sure we'd get great service in whatever restaurant we chose. Who is gonna mess with the Big, Bad Dog?? Also, I would ask Beth why she has opted against reduction when they can certainly afford it these days. She is going to have major back problems, if she doesn't already.

9. Kelly Ripa...She is adorable and funny. She'd be fun and I'm sure she'd like me too. I'm nothing if not adorable. Maybe she'd even bring her hot hubby too.

10. David Letterman...I love his dry humor and it would be great to try and make him laugh. He is a smart guy and he would be fun to talk to. I have some questions...How does he really feel about Leno? How is his mom? (Remember years ago when she used to do the Olympic Games coverage for him? That was hysterical!) Does he really not like Oprah? (Because that was funny, IMHO.) and Is Paul really a freak in real life or does he just play one on tv?

So...I could probably think of more if I gave it some time. But these are off the top of my head so you are getting complete honesty here. Thoughts? Do you agree with any of my choices? Who would you have dinner with if you could pick anyone at all? Chime in...

Famous People Who Annoy Me...

Obviously it isn't nice to judge others...but really, where is the fun in always being nice? There is none...nice guys finish last. And I am not going to spout off about celebs that are easy to chastise, so don't worry. Anyone can criticize and dislike Lindsay, Paris or Amy Winehouse. I'm talking about other types of celebrities. And if you are a celebrity then you are out there and should be judged, right? So, let's do that...here are MY opinions on some famous (or sometimes infamous) people:

1. Angelina Jolie...Child collector: She runs all over the globe for human rights, builds stuff in New Orleans and picks up stray kids along the way. That is all well and good..and she isn't bad looking. But seriously folks, are we REALLY over the fact that she married Billy Bob Thornton???? Really??

2. Ann Hathaway...Mouth like a horse and she draws attention to it by always wearing bright red lipstick. Admittedly, I did feel badly for her when that Italian playboy guy swindled people and left her in a lurch. But, she is still annoying. The only reason I don't use stronger language about her is that she was good in "Brokeback Mountain". I'll give her that, but that's it!

3. Ellen Pompeo...She is waaaaay too skinny. The first 2 seasons of Grey's was awesome and then the whole lot of 'em got caught up in being famous. I say pull a GH and blow up the damn hospital, but take the cast down too.

4. Tom Cruise...He is insane, right? He used to be normal. Although admit it, you wondered about "Cocktail". But his whole Scientology thing is creepy and deep down I DO think he is holding Katie hostage, don't you? And he must be pretty terrible that Nicole Kidman would essentially give up her kids to get away from him. When he went bonkers on Oprah, GMA and then went after Brooke Shields, I was done with him. Stick a fork in him.

5. David Schwimmer...A first class dweeb. "Friends" gave him some credit, but he was SUPPOSED to be a dweeb on that show. The show is over and he is still a DWEEB!

6. Bruce Sprinsteen...Don't get it, never will. He whines and mumbles. Tom does a killer impression of him that royally pisses off a few of our friends who are die-hard fans, cracks me up every time! ("And then my daddy got laid off at the mill, and we were all sad in our muscle car..." tee hee!!!) He was not a big deal at my high school. Seems to be pretty popular with my friends who went to Highland Park. Not a clue why...

7. Huey Lewis...I have mentioned him before. HATE HIM!!!! "I Want a New Drug" was the dumbest song on the face of the Earth. The air play it got killed me and then when he was featured in "Back to the Future" I wanted to punch someone in the face. Hate him...he reminds me of some moronic uncle trying to be cool.

8. All the Sex and the City wenches...Whores, all of them. Whiny, slutty, self-centered...that show made women look like idiots. It did NOT empower them or celebrate friendship. It made me cringe.

9. Lance Armstrong...Written about him too...annoys me. I'd like to poke a stick in his spokes and watch him fly down a ravine. There was an ad for some new cologne I smelled last week and I really liked it. Then I noticed it was Livestrong and I was PISSED. Also, he started that whole colored bracelet thing. It was a good idea at the time, I'll give him that. But now there are bracelets for everything under the sun...every cancer (which is important to be "against" but who can keep the colors all straight?), every abuse, every holiday and now they are cheapened by having Cubs, Bulls and every other team too. It loses its importance, you know?

10. Bobby Flay...Actually, I am getting a little over this one. And if he was the one cooking dinner, I'd eat it. But back in the "Iron Chef" hey-day he was a challenger and he was very pompous and rude. I didn't like that. Now, on the "American Iron Chef" show (which isn't even one millionth as good as the Japanese version, btw) he is ok...he has taken it down a notch. I might forgive him his past transgressions.

So, there are more celebs that annoys me...but these are off the top of my pretty, little head. And really, I am running out of ideas. It is the end of the school year folks and I am pretty darn busy.

But please, feel free to chime in: who annoys you??

My (Fantasy) Life with Sig Hansen...

So, what is it about Sig Hansen of "The Deadliest Catch" that does it for me? I'm not quite sure. He isn't the most handsome man around and generally I don't even go for blondes. He's pretty smart, and definitely brave and funny. Are those the magic addends in this equation? Let's examine this more closely...

Sig commands the Northwestern with confidence. I love a guy who knows what he is doing. He has to make tough life or death decisions, and he does it while weighing the consequences. That is pretty hot, you know?

He is funny...daring his brother to bite the head off a fish, joking around with the camera guys, not falling for practical jokes. His crew spent hours making a dummy up to fall off the boat and Sig laughed immediately, not falling for it for a second. Now there is a man who knows his boat, his crew and human nature. He's no moron!!

And of course there is the fact that he risks his life to bring the rest of us crab. Who doesn't love that? Yum...like all fallen Jews who eat shellfish I respect those who go out and wrangle it for us. The opening of the show where Sig is on deck celebrating a full pot is about the most fab shot ever.

I think he is just the kind of guy I'd like to hang out with (I am a married woman you know...and Sig is married too.) But I think we'd get along and he'd like me too.

At least in my little fantasy life, that is how it works out. ;-)

Things That Make Me Laugh...

I have a pretty good sense of humor...I mean, I spend most of my days with kids. Ya gotta love to laugh and be able to find humor in much, right? But some things get me consistently...

1.Ryder Brandon Schmitz: My younger son is a crack up. Everytime the kids opens his mouth it is guaranteed to be a gem. He is the kid who told me that Jesus died on the potty (and then his older brother pointed out that he must be mixing up Jesus with Elvis). He is also the kid who informed me that wheelchairs can kill you...no idea why though. I have to repeat everything 50 times because he never listens, he would rather play video games than breathe, he refuses to change his underwear and he quotes "Family Guy" at very inopportune times.

As a friend once told me, "You are Ryder's mother because you spent all those years telling everyone at school that you LIKE difficult, challenging boys in your classroom."

2. Three and a Half Men: I don't know what it is about this show. I never watched it when it began but the 10:30 p.m. reruns on WGN are "must see tv". I do not think this show is prime time fodder...SO inappropriate! But it cracks me up...who doesn't like Charlie Sheen as a slutty, hard drinking ego-maniac in a bowling shirt and Duckie as a loser chiropractor? And the real life parents of the kid who plays Jake? What the heck are those people thinking? Tee hee...glad they are morons and let their kid be a part of that show for MY amusement.

3. Explaining tv and record players (or anything else we had "back in the day") when we were kids to my class: Seriously, I had to bring in vinyl this year to show my class what albums are! They were flabbergasted..."How did you rewind it?"; "You can't play THAT in a car!" OMG...talk about a teachable moment!! Kids also can't get over tv when we were kids...4 or 5 channels? ; No remote . I love scaring children ;-).

4. Jason and Spinelli on General Hospital: Ok, so this is obscure for most of you. But their scenes are priceless. Spinelli's over the top vocabulary and Jason's deadpan "mobster with a heart of gold" schtick are the greatest thing on daytime tv since Luke and Laura dancing through Wyndym's Department Store.

5. Stupid movies: Caddyshack, Ghostbusters, Slapshot....Love that crap! If I have to sit and watch a movie I don't usually want to THINK. I can do that all day at work; I need to laugh and what is funnier than Bill Murray covered in slime?

6. Hannah and Brian: Friends with whom I can be completely innappropriate. Only they know the things I do not believe in and the thing that is NOT as bad as making Thanksgiving dinner for 10. The rest of you can use your imagination...

7. Calvin and Hobbes: Their creator Bill Watterson is a genius. Calvin is the kid I'd love to have in my classroom but be beside myself if I had to live with him. And seriously, the vocabulary in those strips is fabulous. My kids have learned so many descriptive words from Calvin it's ri-goddamn-diculous.

8. My job: I get to laugh everyday. Whether it is something a child says inadvertently, or not....It is a rare day that I don't LOL for real. And yes, sometimes they tell me things about Mom and Dad and THAT is why I can't look at you at conferences. ;-)

So...what makes you laugh without abandon each day??

TV Is Good For You!

I love television and it is always on at my house. My children have been raised with it as background noise and I rarely limit their screen time. Are you shocked? No, not if you have ever been in my house. TV keeps me company, teaches me things and keeps me informed.TV is wonderful....here's some of my favorites in no particular order and why I love them:

1. General Hospital...You can escape for a time. I can shoot mobsters with Jason Morgan. I can mentally undress Jasper Jax. Anna Devane is my girl-crush. She is beautiful, tough, smart and funny. I love her, and there is nothing wrong with that! Soaps have HISTORY. I can think back to junior high and there are some of the same characters on. Amazing!

2. Jon and Kate Plus 8...they are my true friends. I know everything about them. If Kate ever gets out without any kids we can have a drink and discuss life. Yes, she needs to mellow out a bit....but jeez, she has EIGHT kids. You'd be bitchy too.

3. Deadliest Catch...I love Sig Hansen. There is something about a man who risks his life to bring me shellfish. A denim shirt and scratchy voice does it to me everytime.

4. LOST...Jack or Sawyer? I dunno, depends on my mood. Feeling the need to be with a man who is righteous and in charge? Then go with Jack. Feeling the desire to be with a naughty rebel? Sawyer is your man. And hey....if conversation isn't your cup of tea, then is always Jin. Plus, Kate can kick all of their asses, and THAT is hot!

5. And some shows are no longer...but still in my heart! Like The Waltons...if you could watch an episode and not get teary at least once then clearly you are some type of cyborg. And even though he was short Ben was my favorite brother. Mary Ellen, despite her annoying voice, was awesome. She did not take crap from anyone on that mountain. Little House on the Prairie is in this category too. Pa was so cute! I wanted to BE Laura...although even as a kid I realized that electricity was kind of necessary. So, I wanted to visit Walnut Grove for awhile, not LIVE there forever.

6. Dancing With The Stars...I like this show better than other "voting off" shows because even though they are B or C list celebrities, they are still celebrities. So, if they get dumped they still have something going for them. American Idol makes me so sad because you just know that dreams are being dashed up on that stage!

7. The Mole...LOVE IT! They do such a good job at hiding the Mole. I am always wrong, lol. Actually, I enjoy Celebrity Mole even more for the same reason as above in #6. The season that Dennis Rodman, Kathy Griffin and whichever-Baldwin was on was fab!

8. Dirty Jobs....I'd get dirty with Mike Rowe anytime. Those eyes get me. Plus, he's funny and he can sing.

9. Little People, Big World...That family is amazing. And Matt cracks me up. He has these ideas where you are like, "Yeah, right....a catapault. Whatever." But Amy just nods and moves along and he does it! And the fact that their house is a pit on a constant basis and no one seems to care is hysterical. But with 4 kids....one of whom is a teenage slug, who can judge?

10. Oprah....Love her most days. I don't like when she has celebrities on and she acts like she is so darn awestruck. Hello! You are Oprah-fricking-Winfrey, stop being amazed that you are meeting an actor! I do like the self-help shows or the ones where she makes wishes come true. Makes me cry all the time. And I love it when Nate is on. Such a cutie.

When people say they don't have time for TV or they prefer family time, I laugh in their general direction. Don't judge me! TV is an escape, a hobby....a way to unwind. And we all need to make time for that!

Reasons why things really were harder for us as kids....

Yes, our parents walked uphill both ways to school in the driving snow in the olden days. BUT, here are all the things I can think of that we didn't have through most of our childhood (and I mean everyone who is my age!)

1. Cable, dvr...Geez, my Dad got us OnTV when I was in like 5th grade so we could see Blackhawks games. It was one knob...turn it to the right and watch special sports and sometimes they had a movie on, whoa!

2. Cell phones...I can't even remember what it was like before cell phones. And who even remembers what a BUSY SIGNAL sounds like? My son heard one a year or so ago and he was so confused.

3. Computers...OMG, in college I got an Apple IIc with Appleworks and a dot matrix printer and I was da bomb!!!!!!!!!!! I think it might be why Tom stayed with me through all of college...I could type his papers and save them. Well, that and I agree to do them all the night before they were due...but that is another list...

4. Fax machine...On my class list of "What to do if I forget to bring my homework home" my class actually has put this down for the past 3 years! Sure, call a friend and have them fax it over! Can you imagine?

5. Insulated lunch bags...very convenient...not much else to say. Although we had metal lunch boxes and you could whack the hell out of some jerk on the bus with those if you needed to. I did have a metal lunch box collection for years. Sold most of them on eBay 2 years ago and I made like $700.

6. Microwaves...We had one by junior high. But it was HUGE and had a dial. I think it took up most of the counter.

7. Video games...Pong, Atari anyone? I bought Tom and old Atari off eBay awhile back and the boys played all the old games for awhile for laughs. I think they actually felt real sympathy for us. They were like, "This was IT?? The characters don't even look REAL!"

8. iPods...When I got a Sony Walkman I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. Who knew?

9. Internet...We had to actually look things up in books. Amazing. How did we ever survive? If you had a question you might have to wait until you got home, or to a library to answer it. Now, I can whip out my phone and Google it.

10. We had no worries about perverts so we had to play outside all the time...With kids on our block who might not even be the same age! OMG!! The horror! We didn't have playdates...we just played outside until our moms yelled out the front door for us.

Clearly, I am forgetting some things....Add to the list, please!