Nightmare last night...

Apparently, the beginning of school is looming. I had my first "school anxiety" dream last night (and I am sure the several glasses of wine at the bday party I was at didn't help...but still).

It was day 1 of school and my partner was not there. By "partner" I mean my fellow 4th grade teacher. My current partner has resigned and a new one is in the process of being hired...but in the dream the new one accused my principal of racism and quit and was suing us. (For the record, my principal is a pretty liberal, open minded person, so not sure where that is coming from). My younger son was in my class (which ain't happenin') and in the dream I was avoiding eye contact with him as I screamed at the class for continual playing of their recorders every time I turned my back. I guess in dreamland teaching the logical consequence of rogue recorder playing is to practice walking silently up and down the hall, 'cause that's what we did.

The dream ended with me passing my principal and some other administrators and saying, "I knew my 20th year wouldn't be any good. Last year's class was better!"

In my defense, I have excellent classroom management and I do not yell at kids (well my own, but that doesn't count...no one is paying me to mold their little minds). My usual school anxiety dreams revolve around me not being ready, or losing the key to my room etc...

Yikes...well, it will have to be better than the dream. Here is to year 20...you'd think I had this down by now ;-).

The media should be flogged....

The way they went all kaflooey and psycho about Swine...er, excuse me H1N1 Flu!! Absolutely INSANE!!

Here is the fall out that has personally affected yours truly due to this unnecessary hysteria:

1. Every time some kid sneezes or coughs or whines in school now they pretty much get sent home. At the end of the school year when I am trying to finish things up, assess for end of the year exits and maybe, just MAYBE have a fun bonding moment with the best class I've had in over a decade I never have a full fricking class!! SUCKS!

2. Parents went insane about cleanliness, which cracks me up all the time. Do they REALLY think their kids wash their hands multiple times a day at school? Ri-goddamn-diculous! Of course they do not! And if I took the whole class 2 or 3 times a day to the washroom to wash their hands do you know how much instructional time I'd lose? Plus, too much cleanliness reduces my body's chances to build immunity.

3. The administration came to realize that having Clorox wipes and other antibacterial products in the classroom to keep clean is apparently ILLEGAL. Huh? And WTF? Yep, you read that right, ILLEGAL as in not legal, as in against the law. They are toxic and not "green". As my son said, "What do they think? We are gonna suck on the wipes?" So...we had to get rid of all the wipes etc...that we have kids bring every fall to offset the fact that most classrooms don't have hot water (don't ask) and our paper towels are the product of "low bid" and don't actually absorb. (When there is a big spill I use Kleenex.)

So, no wipes....I have quite a stash in my car...anyone interested?

4. Any kid who goes home from school with flu-like symptoms has to stay home for 7 full days. That is a horrid waste of time, and I mean everyone's time. My niece is home on day 5 now and my sister is ready to kill someone. I don't blame her.

5. Did I mention I no longer have Clorox wipes in my room to clean up marker marks, spilled aquarium fish poop water or anything else?? I find this more offensive than "toxic".

That is all off the top of my head...I am sick of hearing this hysteria. It is over, the media overreacted and caused complete chaos. I love Mexico, been there several times. It is lovely...but let's face it, the medical care ain't the best in some places. They reacted poorly to the beginnings of this flu. And I am paying the price.

I hate it when world events screw with my daily life.

Stuff I Can't Get Rid of and Why:

As I may have mentioned before I do not like change. Blah, blah, blah...yes, some people LOVE it and clearly I'm a narrow minded, repressed ninny since I don't believe in a lot of change. Whatever...But there are reasons I keep some things around, really!!

1. I might need it...I have a lot of old paperwork and notes and files. But I might need to look something up at some point. Plus, a lot of that stuff is union information from work. What if I need to look up a precedent or something? And as the years go on I am almost the keeper of the history...people keep retiring, or dying or going insane and stuff...

2. Let's Make a Deal syndrome...I am the one at baseball games who has the school buzz book, or a bandaid or a safety pin or a 15 inch length piece of woolen yarn. If I made a habit out of cleaning out my purse I might miss out on some McGyver life-saving moment.

3. Some clothes....You might need it! I mean, I got rid of my black leggings from college about 2 years ago and guess what? LEGGINGS ARE BACK IN! WTF? And I am not kidding, in one of my fashion magazines last week I saw that acid washed jeans are back in. See? If I hadn't have listened to serial closet cleaners I'd be all over the fashion scene to this day!

4. Pictures...I think it is some religious doctrine, right? You can't throw away an image or someone loses their soul? I might not be religious, but I ain't stupid either!

5. Books...I HATE getting rid of books. I sold a bunch on Amazon a couple of years ago, big pain. Now there is this second hand place near me (actually it is called "Second Hand Books"...how original) where I sold some books. The double bind here being that when I sold mine I bought more...for OUTRAGEOUSLY low prices. Who can pass that up??

6.Bills...This goes back up to #1. I might need to know how much I paid each month for electricity in 1998...really. I don't know why, but I might. Stranger things have happened.

7. Kids' work from school...I'm a teacher, it takes time and effort to plan meaningful activities that teach. And as a parent, when the boys are older and they will barely grunt mono-syllabic answers in my general direction I can look at their cute stories from grade school and remember when they loved me and weren't afraid to say so!!

8. For the future...One day, when I become famous (see former lists) I will need all of this documentation and crap for my biographer to get a good picture of who I am. Because you know, talking about myself is really hard for me to do. ;-)

I know that some of you are shaking your heads and thinking, "Oh, she's making excuses, she's rationalizing her hoarding and obsessive behavior." Well, no I am not! You can think what you want but next time you are on a scavenger hunt and you need a 6 year old water bill and a Polaroid photo of my sister when she was 6 crossing her eyes, you know where to come.So there!

My Non-New Years Resolutions:

Traditionally I do not make New Years resolutions because, well...because I never keep them. I tried the "lose weight", "quit smoking" etc...ones in the past and they never last. I did lose weight AND quit smoking but I did both over a summer a few years back. And if you ever want a fool proof way to quit and you have kids of your own, email me and I'll tell you. Any-hoo....(And who else HATES it when people say that?? I think Mrs. Poole from "The Hogan Family" used to say that all the time.) Here are some things that I resolve to do in 2009. Are they resolutions? Nah, statements maybe...promises perhaps, but NOT resolutions:

1. I will do my best to keep on AT&T to get U-Verse to my neighborhood. As God is my witness, I WILL get Comcast out of my life, if it is the last thing I do on this earth.

2. I will continue to watch as much television as possible. Please reference one of my earliest Notes. TV is GOOD! It is educational, informative, entertaining and necessary to a happy, healthy life. People who "don't watch tv" are either lying, have a superiority complex, or they are just stupid. And I don't like stupid people, or people who work for Comcast....

3. I will continue to frequent Bally's Hi/Low and Kwando classes. I don't care if the place is a bit dirty or they declare bankruptcy AGAIN. If they are open I will be there. Group ex classes there are about as much fun as an adult can have with their clothes on....spandex optional.

4. I will continue to do things with my kids. I never want to be the mom who won't get her hair wet, sits on the bench holding coats or gets all berted out that a little rain will "make you sick". I will go down water slides, ride the rides at Great America (well, not The Eagle...that is insane), wrestle, play kickball, stay up all night playing video games and watching inappropriate movies and have snowball fights with my kids. One can be a good mother without doing these things, but it keeps you young when you PLAY.

5. I will continue to employ a babysitter every Saturday night so Tom and I can go out. Yes, some months money is very tight...but then we just go for a cheap dinner and hang out at Barnes and Noble afterwards. The being together part is what is important. Besides, the boys love it when they have a sitter...unlimited snacks and a late bedtime! And soon, I won't need a sitter! I can bribe them with a fraction of the money to stay alone and not kill each other.

6. I will continue to love my job, despite annoying people around me. I will not let the Debby-Downers in life get to me. I have a job where I get to laugh everyday, I work with friends and people who love what they do and do it well. Kids DO keep you young...sure some of them are annoying and occasionally (like every 4 or 5 years) there is a kid who has no redeeming qualities (it's true, really) but for the most part I love what I do and am thankful for the place where I work.

7. I will continue to eat junk food when needed....which is why #3 above is so important. Some days there is NOTHING like a Whopper with cheese.

8. I will continue to hate Comcast. It might become a way of life for me. But I promise to not let it jade me...it will just simmer under the surface for all my waking days.

9. I will remember to tune out certain family members when they are droning on and on and on and on and on....oops, sorry! I mean I will listen politely when they are discussing issues that do not pertain to me, that I can not relate to or that I really don't give a fig about at all. Instead of making snide retorts I will just put the phone on speaker and continue about my business with an occasional, "Uh huh," or "Wow, really?" It will make life easier than getting all worked up about stuff I really don't care about or that doesn't affect me. Does that sound selfish? Oh well, tough....it is self-preservation.

10. I will not allow people who don't undersand the importance of Facebook to bother me. After all, it is they who are missing out on all the fun, right? So what if my brother is a moron who thinks this is a waste of time because he already, "keeps in touch with everyone who matters"? I mean, actually that is pretty snobby, right?? I didn't know I wanted to keep in touch with half the people on my Friends list until they popped up! The fun is in the surprise of it all!! And if he ever does decide to break down and join FB, the fun of "I told you so" will last for a loooooooong time! ;-)

So really, these aren't resolutions...they are more like assertions or declarations. They are things I intend to do. That way, if I can't do some of them there will be someone else to blame for the failure, right?Because if you haven't figured it out yet.....not much is really my fault. It is all Comcast's fault. Everything. All over the world. I blame them.Ok, over and out and Happy New Year to everyone!!

Of Course...You Saw This One Coming...Things I am Thankful For:

I wasn't going to write this list because it seems so trite and far be it from me to ever be trite but what the heck...it is the holiday season!

1. Obviously, my family. Specifically Tom who is "one of the good ones". Although that doesn't mean it didn't take work to get him that way. And of course my boys...when they aren't being annoying to each other, messing things up and smelling bad they are pretty good kids. I appreciate that they both still want a hug and kiss goodnight from me. If they marry bitches that hate me and move to California I will at least be able to live with the memories of how they are now.

2. My job...not just because I HAVE one, which is nothing to joke about in these times, but also because I love it. I get to laugh everyday, I have friends that I get to see everyday and I am grateful to have known some families for years and they have shared their kids with me. Of course some parents suck....but none of them are on FB ;-).

3. That the country chose the right man to be president. 'Nuff said.

4. Cheap wine. Clearly when others are buying expensive wine is FABULOUS. But really, my palate is not so sensitive or snobby that after the first 2 glasses I even notice. Hell, I can even drink Chardonnay after a couple of glasses of something decent. (And admit it, some of you only order Chardonnay because everyone else does...really it IS like sucking on a flower....D.I.)...{And if you don't know what D.I. is stay tuned. If you do know...chime in! It is the slang of the future and you heard it here first.}

5. My friends (hmmm, I just noticed I put friends after drinking....verrrry interesting...). Seriously, I have wonderful friends. (And I'm sure they will all read this and agree, lol..sorry Melissa, I had to "lol" on that one. It has been days since I did that!!!) I know from past experience that I have friends I can count on in difficult times; friends that make me laugh and listen to me bitch; friends that are smart, fun and worth my time. You can't ask for much more. (Well, I COULD....but I'm trying to be grateful here, not greedy.)

6. My health and that of my kids. It can be fleeting and you can't take that for granted. No humor here...don't wanna tempt fate.

7. My Blackberry...Good god! How did I ever live without it?? Really, it is THE GREATEST thing ever. And yes, I realize the juxtaposition of being thankful for my BB right after being thankful for the health of my precious children, so shut up. I don't even care when people accuse me of being addicted to my Crackberry. They just soooo don't get it. In a fire, if my kids and Tom were safe, I'd go for the BB next...before the dog. It's true, you can be shocked. I don't care.

Now we can get frivolous...and no, the first 7 things were not frivolous. Wine and Blackberries are VERY important.

In no particular order here are some lesser things that I am thankful for:

Pasta...yumm-o. Especially pasta with red cream sauce from Italian Kitchen in Deerfield. Try it if you haven't...although you may feel the need to have an agioplasty or work out for 5 hours afterwards. Not my fault though, I don't make it...Oh, and if you send your husband or boyfreind there to pick it up don't be surprised if he wants to go back again SOON. There is a prety impressive pair of "girls" on the young lady that runs the counter. Usually when we order out from there it takes Tom, AJ and my father-in-law to go pick up the food.

Television...see previous notes on tv and why I love it. TV rocks and those who don't watch it are either lying or freaks. Or lying freaks....you decide.

High Speed Internet Access...mostly because I just like saying that...Oh, and without it FB would load even MORE SLOWLY. (Really, what is the deal with that? This is a pretty slow site...It's annoying. Sometimes I just go through my Blackberry to check things quickly!)

My Bowflex Treadclimber...it is as cool as the infomercial claims. It works your ass off and you can watch tv while doing it because it isn't that loud. Kind of combines 2 of my fav things in one. Plus, it keeps the weight off and gets in my cardio. It is sturdy and not too ugly to boot.

So...I know I am forgetting some things. But during this holiday season it is nice to stop and think about all the GOOD things. So..name something you are thankful for...no fair saying stuffing or pumpkin pie though. (And yes, I know I got to say pasta but this is MY list and I make the rules. So pony up, cowboy.)

Things I Still Need (or Want, or Would Like) To Do:

1. Dance on a bar, look good doing it, and have strangers throw money at me. (Ok, well, it would need to be a CLEAN bar...and all the strangers need to have all their teeth.)

2. Tell off a cashier who is being bitchy and acting like *I* am wasting her time when *I* am the one spending money.

3. Say no at work.

4. Meet Robert Scorpio (or Mac, I'm not picky at this point...plus, Robert may or may not be dying of a brain tumor...)

5. Stop checking up on my kids when they say that things are in their backpacks ready for school...I know, I'm an enabling Mommy and a teacher who does not practice what she preaches. Sue me, I'm human.

6. Leave the house without making the fricking beds...I used to ALL THE TIME in my younger days. Why can't I anymore?

7. Stop giving money to Channel 11 out of guilt. I have paid my dues....Bozo is dead, the boys are long done with Barney and the Teletubbies and everything else on there is British and boring and angst-ridden.

8. Learn to prune the rose bushes outside my house before someone is brutally maimed by the renegade thorns and branches.

9. Cut the cord on friendships I have outgrown. (If you think this might be you, it might be...)

10. Eat more veggies.

11. Floss at least 3 times a week...or at least more than the day before a cleaning at the dentist.

12. Read some classic book that seems boring...maybe I'll like it. Anyone have any suggestions?

13. Try to spend one day without judging anyone else and see if I feel better about myself. I probably won't because really, what is the fun in that? But I could at least say I tried.

14. Have a day at school where we eat candy, watch a movie and draw pictures all day...but I'd have to swear the kids to secrecy and probably even threaten them. And eventually someone would tell on me...Even being union VP wouldn't save me from being called in on that one.

15. Say what everyone wants to say but is too scared to say to __________. (Can't even put her name...too scary!)

16. Get hit on by a former student who doesn't realize who I am. (Don't be disgusted, my first few classes of students are in their mid to late 20's at this point, there has to be at least one or two that MIGHT go for me, right?? ;-).)

17. Smoke again for JUST A FEW DAYS.

18. Swim with dolphins.

19. Pet an Orca.

20. Punch Ann Coulter.

21. Win the Lotto...doesn't have to be MILLIONS. Just several hundred thousand would do. Pay off the house, buy a new car...put some away for the boys and buy one of everything at Ann Taylor Loft.

22. Learn to make banana bread so I don't have to throw away all those bananas every week.

23. Trip that mean girl who called Ryder fat and ugly.

24. Have enough expedable income to some day take the boys to Disney World.

Not a real "wow" of a list...I have NO desire to bungee jump, climb a mountain or anything else that might cause my untimely death. I also am not patient or hard working enough to write a novel or cure cancer. But it would be exciting, cathartic and in some cases just fun, to do the above.

Things I Love...

One of the first lists I posted on Facebook...

I realize my last notes were kind of bitching about stuff....So here is a happy one. Because of course I am NOTHING if not happy and optimistic ;-). I love....

1. My family, of course. Notwithstanding the fact that some people I grew up with might be a teensy-tiny bit wacko.

2. My children...the bonus being they are still at the age where they love me a lot. I get hugs, kisses goodnight and they want to watch tv in my bed with me at night...even when the Olympics aren't on.

3. My job....I get to laugh everyday and I can go out to recess on nice days.

4. TAB...Yes, they still make it. You just aren't looking hard enough.

5. Reading...I love being in a book club and meeting and talking. I love good books and trashy books (even though sometimes those books make me feel like it has been too long since someone ripped my clothes off with reckless abandon, or something to that effect).

6. Being the "good" daughter.

7. Having some experiences in life that pissed me off or depressed me at the time, but now I realize they taught me much.

8. General Hospital and LOST....Mac Scorpio, Jason Morgan, Jack Shepard and Sawyer....'nuff said.

9. The new Jamoca Oreo ice cream at Baskin Robbins...yum!

10. Ann Taylor Loft.

11. Kathy's Kwando class at Bally's...sweat hard and feel it the next day.

12. My friends....the ones that I think of calling about stuff before I think of calling people I am related to.

13. My Blackberry....seriously, besides fertility treatmentsit was the smartest thing I ever spent my money on. (And there were no homone shots involved.)

14. My house. It is cute and yellow (Tom just repainted the whole exterior and it looks so great!).

15. Pasta.That is a pretty good list, isn't it? It makes me sound like the happy person I think I am. :-)