Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Things Would Be Different if I Were in Charge...

If I were in charge things would be a lot different. And of course, different doesn't always mean better but in this case, it actually WOULD be better...so there! If I were in charge:

1. Stupid people...put to death. No trial, no second chances. You are dumb, you die. This would end the morons who get to the front of the line at McDonald's and have to READ THE MENU. If you just got off the boat from the Nicobar Archipelago then fine. Otherwise, order your frickin' value meal and move on. This also gets rids of people who say stuff like, "Oh, I don't use email."

2. As long as I am on the topic...If I were in charge there would be no long winded phone messages where at the end the person blurts out their phone number (which is different than the Caller ID) so quickly that you have to listen to the message 3 times to get it down. Send me an email.

3. Families would be able to actually go to a professional sporting event without the cost being like $200. And I don't even mean counting the souvenirs or the food. I would like to be able to buy Bulls or Hawks or Bears tickets and not have to forego groceries for the week. When we do go, I look around the stadium and wonder, "WTF? How do these people all have more money than I do?" I just don't get it. It's a bummer.

4. Comcast would be disbanded and their leaders taken out to a field and shot point blank (see #1). The cable would be free, as God intended.

5. Banks and car mechanics would be open on Sunday. 'Nuff said, no explanation needed.

6. Children's sports would not play on holidays. No soccer games on Mother's Day, no baseball on 4th of July and no hockey on Thanksgiving. These things do nothing more than piss off parents who have to split up the family to be in 2 places at once. It also causes the family members without kids or with babies to say things like, "Oh, we will never allow our little Bart to do that!" Yeah right, see me in 10 years.

7. All birds would be kept in cages so they can't swoop down out of nowhere and peck your eyes out.

8. McDonald's would deliver...sometimes you just need fries and a large fountain Diet Coke at 11:00 p.m. when the kids are asleep.

9. The bank next door to me would fix the sewer in their parking lot so that it would not cause a lake to develop every time it rains. At this point in the year it is just a resort area for mosquito larvae. Yuck.

10. Road construction work would only be done between the hours of midnight and 5:00 a.m. Then, it would all get put away so that the lanes that aren't are all torn up could be used during the day when people need them. Do they seriously need to block both right lanes when they are only working on the shoulder??

11. There would be no more ATM fees. Those are dumb and I don't like them.

Obviously, there are more important things I could do if I were in charge...world peace, no more war, no discrimination, cure cancer and so on. But really, all of that is beyond my scope. I'd like to keep things do-able. And get rid of stupid people. And birds. I hate birds.


  1. #2 fits in with #1 Whenever I meet those that give their phone numbers as if they were an auctioneer......shoot 'em dead.

    Give me ten minutes with the baseball coach, just ten.

    You need to come see my birds. They fly AWAY from you, not at you. Tweety loves you, really he does.

  2. I was dying reading this.


    And birds freak me out too. I had a friend who had a bird that he let FLY LOOSE in his apartment.

    I lasted 10 minutes there and to this day, about 15 years later, haven't been back.

  3. I wish you lived next door to me!

  4. Razors...I had a friend with a bird who flew around the house too. I used to make her put him away before I walked in. SCARY!!!!

    There is a house for sale across the street from me...wanna move in?

    Blase...I trust that your birds are nice to you. But most animals sense fear and I'd be attacked for sure.


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